My Dark Goddess

I was randomly letting my brain go off on a tangent. A streaming brainstorm of adulation...

And I sent in my paperwork to the Department of Corrections. And waiting to test...not too keen on time limited testing. Ugh

"My Dark Goddess"

It shouldn't be a surprise but I've come to accept you and your self-deprecating rage, shocking me witless with your responsible, uninhibited and unpredictable nature, intangibly distant, yet soothing me with your exquisite emotional release of love and lust. You are seething with potential for getting what you want. You only need to realize this.

Moneywhore Mode

I'm feeling weird...

Even though I'm in moneywhore mode, I'm feeling unsatisfied. Being in this workaholic mode means I have to get my life on track to get what I want which isn't much. I want a place of my own, my car paid off, and a significant other. I thought I found her.

But I can't have her. She says I live so far away--what, six hours?

I still love her as immensely as when I met her almost two years ago.

And I also got another job offer to work in corrections. Not sure about this one, but I hear its great pay getting unlimited overtime and benefits. It'll be something more up my alley but in a prison. More dangerous types. Whatever. Work is work and as long as I'm doing something with my life, I'm happy.

But I just want the girl. She's intoxicating and addicting. Incredibly beautiful and sharp of wit. And it seems I want the girl before any of my other goals. "I need to stabilize my life before I can get the girl", I hear my logical side saying. But another voice tells me, "better hurry up with your other objectives before someone else gets the girl". So this part has me worried.

A battle of wits with myself...


Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving!

TIme...it flies!

I'm no longer the strapping young lad I was once. Back in the eighties, I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything and anything I could possibly do before I reach 30. And I did. Then my bucket list involved traveling overseas by myself, getting a new car, road tripping cross country, finding the woman of my dreams and starting a family. I did everything except start the family mainly cuz I saw how my siblings' marriages came and went and I realized I didn't want to go through all that headache of divorce and child support and raising kids and blah blah blah.

I've condemned myself to eternal bachelorhood. Singleness. Its not bad yet its not good either. Limbo.

And then there's Switchblade, the woman of my dreams. The woman of many firsts. I'm experiencing what it truly means to be in love with someone other than myself, for the first time. And at the same time, not being codependent as I was in relationships past. Actually feels good. At least now, I have a companion, a best friend to share things with. Yeah. I'm happy!

And I'm working in psych again. I know I've dissed it in the past, but compared to the numerous non-medical jobs I've had, I actually do like this field. Glorified babysitter/bouncer.

And on top of it all, I have a job that I enjoy and gives me unlimited overtime. The having no job for the first six months of the year, was severely stressing me to where I became depressed and anxiety manifested its ugly face in which I was holding down low-paying, unsatisfying jobs. This is not me.

Now fast forward to present time...
-- keep stress levels to a minimum
-- remove caffeine and sugar from my diet
-- no excessively salty foods
-- exercise more
-- avoid injuries to myself from job-related incidents
-- go to nursing school

I've turned my life around for the better. Yeah. I'm boring and I love it! So to keep this forward momentum going, I've decided to go to RN school...taking one class per semester to finish pre-reqs.

Blogging anonymously

One nurse and one tech gone.

They knew better but I guess social media caught up with them. That's why I choose to stay offline for any reason because I know I'm too opinionated to keep my mouth shut online. Well, except maybe here on this blog. I don't tell anyone or any of my coworkers I submit content for this blog. And the only person I know who knows about this is Ms. Moneywhore site owner.

And I guess it helps that I'm just another anonymous ER RN in Georgia with a blog. I've thought about going back to school. Donice said I should. Working back to back shifts is killing me. And the days melt into nights and back again to days. Sometimes I don't even see either. I'm at a cross roads to where I really don't know what to do the rest of my life, besides being a nurse. I know I want a house, but not sure where at the moment. I'm financially independent and have a little nest egg saved up. I've thought about traveling to Fiji or Thailand. And at one point, China.

My thoughts are rambling aimlessly. LOL

Emergency infrastructure is unprepared

Yes, I've decided to write about this Ebola media frenzy. I'm not making light of the situation, but I do feel like this post title says. The American healthcare system is not prepared for Ebola as it is. And with the second nurse being watched closely for Ebola symptoms, everyone in higher authority is quick to blame nurses for inadequately handling Mr. Duncan's case. The Centers for Disease Control continues to investigate the inadequacies of the Dallas Presbyterian.

1) PPE is not effective. Why is everyone else wearing hazmat gear except the ER nurses who usually have first contact with a patient?

2) Training is not mandatory. Not everyone will attend.

3) How do we get rid of and or, transport the biohazard? Nobody knows. No one at my work has a clue on this. I'm not saying we're idiots, I'm just saying we don't have protocols on such a deadly virus as Ebola.

I still love working in the ER. As it stands, nurses are usually first point of contact with the patient. Doctors will give out orders or have a PA assess the patient, but its usually us nurses who draw blood and make nurses assessments to inform the doctor.

Yes, everyone and their dog blames the nurse should something go wrong.

New Job

Yeah. I got a new job.

I dunno if you call the pay decent, but hey, I'm not complaining. In my first pay period (I don't count the two weeks of training), I had six hours overtime. Next pay period, I'll have over twenty hours of overtime. So yeah, I'm not complaining much.

And the APCs never go by what the schedule says: they add themselves on, but then call out at the last minute. APCs--assistant program coordinators--two women who dress inappropriately. Bothers me cuz one of them is a buxom blond midget (5'1) who's junk is hanging out when she wears skimpy clothes. And according to policy, employees are to wear closed-toed shoes; the APCs wear flip flops. How come they get away with that and we don't?

I'm not questioning but being a drone worker ant in the meantime.

Gotta keep my mouth shut. So I blog. Here. :D

I'm a drone

I feel like I'm a cog, a drone, a worker bee with no brain. Just been working incredibly much, back to back. I want my house and I've been scouring the real estate sites and zillow for my dream house. Donice came over my apartment the other day and we went shopping at the strip mall. Then we ate at Red Lobster...and now I hate seafood. Not really, but it just left a sour taste in my mouth.

My brain is fried. I can't think at the moment.

Monster

I just drank a Monster energy drink...and my mind is tripping like this song! I usually never drink energy drinks or caffeine but I just had to see what the hype was about. I have the weekend off; going to hang out with the girls and some friends in Kennessaw. Not too far from here.

This is from a friend's playlist. I think I might find some of the songs on iTunes and put them on my phone. I like running in the park with music in my brain. It distracts me from work. Been stressing lately.

Lux Aeterna: Requiem for a Dream Theme

All I have to say is "Requiem For A Dream" was a bizarre movie to me, but I like this rock version.

Float pool

I'm not going to L&D anymore.

Since I pick up shifts on the behavioral health Annex, the nurse manager there asked me if I could cover shifts on their unit while the nurse who normally works it, is on medical leave. They had a Code 13 and while she was going to give the Ativan cocktail, the patient broke loose security's grip and whacked her head against the wall, unconscious. Luckily the charge nurse was able to recover the syringe, call the doc and make up another one, while more security restrained the patient and put him in five points.

Hmm.

They should have had him secured in the first place. I heard it was a mess. Jason and I were talking at lunch today.

"Aw you're such a sweetheart, covering psych shifts, money whore."
"Really? And the weird thing is, Lori came to L&D where I was orienting and talked to Kristina and so on and so on. Then Kristina asked me to come to the office and we all three had that talk."
"You must be special."
"Shut up, dude."
"Why don't you just put yourself on the float pool, that way, you can go everywhere like a whore."

Unless I'm irritated, I usually ignore his snide remarks. Can't take everything personally.

"Hmm. I never thought of that."
"You'll be a well-rounded individual."
"Yeah. I guess."
"I'll have to talk to Margie about it first. She likes me in Pod 7 because no other nurse wants to work back there. Its easy really."

Ex men

I'm never doing that schedule again. Ever.

How did I not know? Seriously?

I'm talking about Jessica's brother...Brian. My ex! Jessica, night shift nurse from tele. She was talking about her boyfriend and how he's moving out then the conversation switched to her brother this morning when we went to the park. Yes, I'd just gotten off my last haul and then I WENT WALKING with Jess at the Buruss Park on South Cobb Drive. My feet hated me, but the woman was in tears over her boyfriend woes. I was just an listening and sympathetic ear. And I don't swing that way.

Then she went on and on about her brother in the Army in Afghanistan, Brian. Curious, I prodded her for details because she made him sound like this guy I went out with in nursing school, Brian. Then I quizzed her about certain features of him a dimple on his cheek and certain tribal tattoos he had on his chest and arms. When I said that, we both stopped\ in our tracks.

"Wait, how do you know he has those tattoos?"
"I went out with this guy named Brian in 2006. Why? Do you know him?"
"Oh my god, Sarah! He's my brother!"
"Wait, what? But he doesn't have your last name."
"My mom remarried and he's my half-brother! I didn't know you guys dated!"
"I didn't know he had a sister."

So we talked and talked and talked and talked. And talked some more. And my feet didn't hurt anymore.

I hate Brian. He always seems to drain me emotionally because I was so head over heels for the guy and he decides to move far away. He said he didn't want to interfere in my career, and what does he do? Goes off and joins the Army without telling me. No word where he's going. Just drops out of sight and out of my life and all I could do was cry, cry, cry my head off. Its a wonder I even passed nursing school. Something like the disappearance of someone you love tears you apart to where I don't know how I survived. No phone calls, no returned texts, no emails. No more I love yous. Nothing.

And then a card six months after nursing school with the words "Code Red" and I knew it was from the jerk. We used to drink that super sugary soft drink on the nights I had to study for major tests. In that card, was a Post-It note saying, "I didn't want to interfere in your new career. Yours Always, B". He's not mine. I'm so done with him. He's the epitome of fear of commitment! Why are guys like that? I poured over day and night for a year trying to figure out what I did wrong to have him leave me like that. In limbo.

I hope I never see that bastard because I'll probably kill him. With my car. And a crowbar.

And some nails.

And yet, I still love him.

Sarah, you need to let him go.

I would if I could...

Can't sleep...Clowns will eat me

Just got home from another half a day and night at my home away from home, the Wonderful World of the ER. My feet hurt like the looks of 100% lean ground beef. Since my friends asked me to contribute to their blog, I think I've just totally taken over it with my stories from work! Awesome!
"
And yes, I guess I am a "money whore". That's what Jason the PM charge from med/surge called me. I used to play racketball with him and his wife, Jeanette. They're health nuts and we're all 30somethings. I'm not exactly a health nut, but I have a high metabolism and I need to keep moving.

Got off a 16 hour shift and I can't sleep. Had to do some last minute charting because we had a guy code just after change of shift. And as soon as I got home, there was a Post-It note on my door from Ethan saying "We have to talk". This made me anxious almost instantly because now I'll be mulling over in my mind what "we" have to talk about. I blocked his number. I deleted all our pictures off my phone. I removed everything digital that reminded me of our empty relationship. And now this.

I remember seeing this sticker when I was at the mall last week and I stopped by Hot Topic. A little black and white decal saying "Can't sleep...Clowns will eat me!" It made me laugh so hard right there in the store that the clerks probably thought I was hearing voices. The kind of goofiness that goes on when I was in nursing school at the computer lab and I hear someone burst out laughing in that normally QUIET room.

So now I'm anxious. Just going to make myself a big scrambled egg and spinach sandwich with a glass of ice water and raspberry-flavored water enhancer. The tub's cooling down and I also anxiously awaiting for my new spring shoes to come in. Hopefully it comes in this week. My pain threshold is moving up to the next level.

Man, I wish I hadn't read that note...

Can't sleep...a clown is stalking me.
Can't sleep...a clown is stalking me.
Can't sleep...a clown is stalking me.

The suicide card

Including me, there are usually three triage nurses and at midnight, I was again sent to the behavioral health Annex. I seem to be getting assigned here more frequently as of late. We have seven pods; you could call the Annex the seventh pod because its the red-headed stepchild of pods and most nurses don't like to come here. Its almost like an island, tucked in the back of the ER. I get a call from the triage nurse.

"Hey Sarah, I'm sending your favorite patient back to you."
"Let me guess, Pseudo-Seizure Larry."
"You got it, babe."
"Did you dress him out?"
"Yep. Just send your tech to pick him up." Ka
"Will do. Thanks."

I send big Kat--he's a really big dude of Samoan heritage, mild-manner goliath. Looks intimidating too and not exactly a pushover. With Kat around, I don't need security. At all. When Big Kat wheels him back to my pod, he starts in immediately.

"Oh its you again."
"The one and only. How's your day?"

Big Kat takes his vitals and changes him into the standard hospital gown.

Larry chimes in being extremely polite. "Is there anyway I can get a dinner?"
I say, "Not at this time of night. I can get you a box lunch if we have any."
"Box lunch?"'
"Yes, you know the routine. Cold ham or turkey sandwich, Grahm crackers and a juice."
"Coffee?"
"No coffee. Nice try, kiddo."
"How come you're always such a bitch to me?"
"What do you mean? Now let's get started. What is the nature of your complaint?."
"I want to kill myself. And others. And a whole lot of people."

After my completing my nursing assessment, looking over the LMHP and PAT therapist's notes. Then with Kat, I begin the skin assessment. Superficial cuts to the wrists. Double lightning tattoos on the nape of the neck. Then he asks if the doctor will refill his Hydrocodone and Vicodin..

 "You'll have to ask your doctor when you see him in the morning."
"How come you guys never treat my pain?"
"What pain? I thought you're here because you're feeling suicidal. The doctor treats your pain and therapists go over with your treatment plan for mental health issues. Tell him. Let's see, it says that the last few times you were here, you have a history of non-compliance on your discharge instructions so we probably can't do much of anything for you. This isn't my first rodeo."

Med seeker. They ruin it for those who actually need help.

I wonder how it would feels like to be narcississtic. The guy had a good job and a good wife, but he lost them both to his drug addictions. And now he's playing the suicide card. No, one inch cuts breaking the skin on your wrists does not require immediate medical attention.

Let the fun begin!

Its gonna be a long weekend and I won't have any days off till next Wednesday. I'll be floating on the behavioral health unit as the med nurse and then orient to L&D on Tuesday. Totally not looking forward to orienting on Women's.

In other news, I'm waiting for a call back on an application for a med nurse position for a group home-type environment. I've never done group home settings but it seems laid-back from what I've been told. I just want to experience it. Don't get me wrong, I love being in the ER; there's never a dull moment, but down times just drag on. And on.

Gotta get ready for my long shifts. Hope I survive...

Z-Coil

Whenever I get off shift, I'm so ready to clock out, get in my car, kick off my shoes and drive home. Soon as I walk in the door, clothes come off immediately and I head straight for the tub. I turn on the hot water and fill it to half way with no cold water and while waiting for the water to cool, I start cleaning my face, removing make-up, not that I had much on to begin with.

As soon as the water is the temp I can tolerate, I step in feet first and sit on the edge of the tub, just soaking my feet. And after a good hot soak, I lay in bed under my fan, drying off my body. After a good night's sleep, I wake up in the morning to start my day and as soon as my feet hit the floor, BAM!

My plantar fasciitis kicks in waking me up instantaneously where I'm moaning and squealing in my own apartment. I have got to get a new pair of shoes. I can see me assessing myself:

"And how do you rate your pain from on a scale of 1 to 10. Ten being the worse, Sarah."
"Oh probably a 30."

I am desperate. What about the new Sketchers you say? Oh me like an idiot returned them yesterday because I didn't want to be reminded of Ethan. I returned most of his stuff that didn't have any sentimental value to me. So I remember seeing some of the nurses on the ortho floors wearing those spring shoes. Those shoes with a big spring on them. I asked this tech what it felt like and she said they're absolutely relaxing and comfortable. But she also said they're expensive. I bet. She told me they were from Z-Coil. So I checked around on the net and came across the pair I wanted so, impulsively, I ordered the ones I wanted.

Yes I am desperate for pain relief. I don't usually buy things on impulse but I'm at my wits end!

Heads will roll

I made a new blog but I don't know what to put in it.

Its official. I'm a single woman again. No needy little man to tie me down. That and his mother. Somehow, she knows everything about me and thinks I'm in competition with her wimpy son. No?

I want a man who can fess up to his own mistakes and say "I'm sorry" when he screws up instead of blaming stuff on me. Or making me feel bad about myself. Ethan did that to me once. ONCE. I called him about it on the phone and told him not to come over anymore. I should have stuck to my word, but I caved in after seeing the dozen or so flowers on my doorstep.

But today, I dug my heels in and didn't give in. Its over. I want nothing more of his superficial personality. After six months, he's never told me he loves me. I made it a clean break. I put all his stuff in a box by my doorstep and told him that he can either come pick it up or I can drop it off at his work. I'm glad I never got into any of that social media stuff so I won't have to worry about Unfriending him or removing his pictures and removing any digital footprints of me anywhere. I want someone who cares about me. Emotionally, I'm stable. I know what I want. I'm financially good too. I just want someone to do things with me.

I want someone who's going to be there for me. Not like in "Spiderman" where Peter Parker promises Mary Jane that he'll be present at her concerts or plays but misses out on them. I want someone who will be supportive of me and back me up. I just want someone who will be there. I don't want a repeat of what happened at graduation when my Dad said he was going to be there and he never showed up. I felt like an idiot. My parents divorced when I was 17 and I lived with my grandparents till I was 22. Ten years later, I still remember the embarrassment of no one being there for me on my special day. Grandpa died a year after Mom and Dad split and Grandma was in the hospital with double leukemia. I was  worried so sick about her but she told me to go ahead and walk across the stage with my friends. She had one of my aunts tape the ceremony so she would see me at my best when she got better. So yeah, I'm a little bitter about that. I want someone to be there for me. Is that too much to ask?

Donice and Karla are my closest friendso they keep me in check. I know most of the ER staff but I don't hang around them after work. I like to keep my life away from the hospital, private, except when Karla and Donice are concerned.

I have to admit though, it felt good letting Ethan go.

Now...for a tub of Ben & Jerry's Hazed & Confused ice cream with lots of fudge and hazelnuts.

And listening to Yeah Yeah Yeahs, "Heads Will Roll" blasting on my iphone dock station!

Girls night out

Tonight is my night off and I'm going with two coworkers, both tele RNs, clubbing in downtown Atlanta. I couldn't tell you where because I get lost easily in the big city without my GPS. I've been friends with Karla and Donice since nursing school: we started out as PCTs and even though we weren't really close then, we surely have become now.

I don't know how the conversation was redirected to me but Donice said to me last night in the cafeteria while I was ordering my dinner. She was in the line with me.

Donice: "Hey Stone Cold, why's everybody calling you that?"

Me: "I don't know. I just do my job."

Chantel from med/surge whom I didn't know was behind me, said "That's 'cause she's a bitch" and starts laughing.

I just roll my eyes and say, "Another one of my fans, there."

Chantel: "You guys seen the new survey comments yet? "That tall skinny short-haired nurse in triage was mean to me. I think her name was Sarah. She's so insensitive to my needs! She should be fired". You get grieved again?"

She gets her chocolate donuts and leave. Ew. Donuts.

 I was like, "Really? I remember that guy, it was pseudo-seizure Larry. He came in complaining about chest pains and SOB when I clearly saw him laughing it up with another patient in the lobby. I know 'cause I start entering his info and ordering labs and he goes into his seizure act. And his BP is 102/72. Go figure, right? Then he goes on and on that we don't treat him right every time he comes in. I wanted to say, 'if we don't treat you right and you aren't getting the narcs you want, why do you come in". It was just wanting to come out of my mouth. Oh my god I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't get in trouble. And I say, "its OK" and he takes that saying I'm sarcastic and condescending to him.

Donice just shakes her head, giggling at her salad.

Girlfriends should be pulling up any time soon. Just got a text Donice asking if I got a leash tight on my man. I think that's going to be the topic of discussion tonight. I'm planning to avoid it if I can. They talked about going bar-hopping too. If that comes up, I'm taking a taxi home. What to do on a Saturday night?

Mouse in the house

Six years in the ER and taking shifts in L&D for a month. I love the ED but Women's isn't my thing and I'm a woman. Ironic, I know. Not doing anything in my off days so why not? More money. Saving for a house. Yes, I want a house. And I'm going to get a house. Eventually.

In the ER, I'm known as "Stone Cold Sarah" aka Nurse Ratchet and probably describes me AT WORK.  Away from work, I'm completely different but not really.

Who would want to be a nurse is beyond me. Its a thankless job. I get my check and I pay my bills. And I get called "effing bitch nurse" blah blah blah. EVERY night. Who would want that abuse? I've seen other nurses' blogs and some are like me, who would want to be a nurse?

I hate talking about work but I had to make this post. I was grossed out the other night.

I was in the Annex and I called the behavioral health unit to send over a tech who is usually assigned under me. While they were getting their butts in gear, I had to change frequent flyer Dennis out of his poopy clothes. Yes he peed and pooped all over himself when the nice policeman brought him in in his usual ETOH  state. So when I got him changed into a gown, I picked up his belongings and lo and behold, what did I find? A dead mouse fell out of his pants pocket.

I was like...

Oh my god.

EW!!.

What the...??

EW!!

I didn't mind the poop and pee but the dead mouse...

I could feel my lunch coming up.

EW!!.

EW!! (*watery eyes)

And I'm going to carry this image with me to women's which is equally...

Ew.

EW!!.

EW!!

If The Mind Goes, The Body Follows...

Why are break ups so damn hard to deal with?

I was reading something about the feel good hormones of oxytocin and dopamine leaving when you're stressed out and the stress hormone, cortisol kicks in with the "fight or flight" process. Something, something. And then I started googling how to recover from a break up. Yeah, call me devastated but not so much as an emotional wreck like times past like the first time you said you were going back to Vader when your car broke down and I walked home in the rain. That was back in May. My flight response kicked in; I was only suppose to help Mark and Karen move that week, but you dropped the bomb on me with "going back to Vader" crap.

And it was five times after that when I was here in Florida that you brought me back in with your mood swings and I was so totally engrossed with you that I forgot my own self. I was engulfed in you and loving you with all my heart and what little resources I had that I took every chance I got, to drive to Georgia just to be with you. That's my fault but I wanted to be with you. I miss you so much. Yet, you seem to pick at my faults and went with it, like you what your alcoholic father did to you. If nothing seemed to make him happy, then nothing will make you happy. You have to do some soul searching yourself to make Sam happy.

For a while, you made me the happiest man on the planet, but you couldn't pull yourself out of the NEGATIVE VOID you dwelt in. I love you but I can't help you with that.

Mumbi said it cuz she's in a similar situation as ours: "You can't stop thinking about her because you love her so much that its primal. And if the sex is good, then you're stuck in this void where nothing seems to matter."

I asked Jason if he has friends he can talk to if he can't solve stuff or if he blogs about it. He said, "Everyone is my audience. I blog about everything and I vent about everything. I only keep the things inside that could be twisted about in court". Makes sense.

I blog about stuff that bothers me. It helps me sort things out. I always used to talk to you so I didn't blog much and didn't have a need to.

Gotta keep myself busy so I won't get stuck. Its so fucking hard to get over you sometimes.

I don't know how I'm going to get over you, but I will. I wanted us to be friends even after you divorce proceedings. But for now, the split is good for both of us. Its so hard, Sabrina told me that its going to take time. She was codependent with her best married friend and she knew him when she was 16. She had to cut off all communication with him to move on; she stopped seeing him when she was 36. It took her two years to start dating again. She said, "Every time I had a bad date, it made me think of going back to him". Now she has a guy who treats her right.

Yeah. I don't know how I'll get over you, but I will. My mind is muddled with constant thoughts of us together but I have to move on. If this post finds you and we're to cross paths in two years, you know how to find me and that promise to the Grand Canyon is still open. I'm definitely going to reward myself going there.

One more thing: it was a good relationship. You taught me a lot about myself. Thank you.

Take care of yourself, Sam.

831.

Let me be the one

Ethan really irritates me to the point where I think I will break up with him. Sure he makes loads of money, and buys me fancy things, but that's not what I want. I want someone who will be there for me, hug me, caress me in his arms, whisper sweet nothings to me and do the stuff I want to do. I don't care about going to clubs and noisy places.

I loved it the other day when we went to Stone Mountain and just had a picnic, and then his mother calls him. I've met her once. She's a domineering in-my-face nasty woman. She treats him like dirt and he accepts it. I don't know. She irritates me too. I don't have the tolerance for a lot of people anymore. I called him a mama's boy because he's so sensitive.

I've been with him three months and that's three months too long. I make my own money and pretty good at it yet he insists on getting stuff for me because he's "the man". Last week I wanted to upgrade my phone and we were looking at the phone kiosks at the mall. I found one I liked. I asked the sales clerk about it and the details. He just had to butt in. Its like, I don't have any say so in what I want.

The one thing that really gets on my nerves is when I call him, he doesn't stay on the phone long and says he's busy. I know he has to make money; he's an oilfield sales rep, but I want someone who is emotionally there for me. I don't care about his money, or his passive-agressiveness, or his cranky old mother.

Let me be the one to break off this empty relationship.

I need to straighten myself, put Stone Cold Sarah mode on and get ready for work.

Let me be blunt

I love to complain. I really do. I do it just for the enjoyment of the simple fact that I can irritate Ethan. And I do it especially if he knows its  I want. Granted, I keep my whining to a minimum at work or any other place except when we're out in public together.

My main complaint yesterday was orthopedic shoes. Since I'm on my feet constantly at work, I needed something comfortable for my plantar fasciitis. Every morning I wake up with my feet sore since I do 12 hour shifts at the hospital or sometimes, 16 hour shifts. We were out at the mall and I saw a pair of Sketchers that were perfect for me.

Ethan looked at it and said, "too expensive".

This after he dissed 30 pairs at the other stores in the mall and even before that, we went to Shoe Carnival and none of them were right for me. I have plantar fasciitis and it comes and goes. Ethan knows about this since he's had it in the past. Finally, after lunch at a cheap Vietnamese restaurant, we found a place that specializes in shoes that were:
1) pretty shoes
2) VERY EXPENSIVE
3) Orthotics shoes

I picked a pair out and had the saleswoman fit it for me. She was very thorough. The shoes felt very comfortable but still very expensive. I wanted them. Really wanted them so I went into whine mode. For five minutes. That was enough for him to leave and then agree to them.

I can be devious when I want something.

A Crackhead on Words

That's what I call myself...as I don't have a very high perception of myself at the moment.

And I have a lot of issues that I'm facing as they reveal themselves to me.
- Codependency
-Abandonment issues
- Imbalance of priorities
- Impulsiveness
- Insomnia
- Random intrusive thoughts
- Black and white thinking / this or that
- PTSD and all its symptoms

The codependency and the abandonment both stem from when I lost my friends in an engine room fire back in the Navy twenty-something years ago. I don't have the flashbacks anymore although I'm leery of small dark enclosed places, and the abandonment comes from trying to save a relationship. Any relationship cuz I don't want to be left alone. Close friends dying. And the relationship addiction of me consistently prioritizing the other person's needs over mine.

Why the fuck do I do this? Why can't she ever meet me halfway? Sure she has bills to pay, but I don't have a steady (temp agency for now) job yet I still manage to come see her, motel rooms and all that. How come I'm always doing the driving: first, across country, then across five hours of the Georgia gauntlet of cops waiting to give out tickets on I-75

Darla told me that "in a relationship, it takes two people to give, to put forth the effort of 100% to make it work. Without that, you're gonna be in a world of hurt". I'm just rambling right now. Trying to get my bearings in this shitty shituation.

Flogging the Blog

Sometimes I want to beat myself over the head with a stone mallet...maybe then I'll realize that I'm such a deprecating idiot and realize I'm amazed at my own stupidity.

......................................

Fuck it. I'm done talking about the past and this shit!

AARRGH

Feelz Good

My sister pointed that out to me as I was venting about Switch...

My family gets on my nerves bringing up all my faults and shortcomings with my past relationships. I tolerate their crap till they really get on my nerves then I set boundaries and tell them their own little flaws. Like my brother-in-law talking down to me in his usual condescending manner, then I set him straight. I didn't apologize for blocking him either. He just started talking to me again after twI days. But I explained it to him that he was being a dick and I didn't appreciate being talked to like a kid.

I MAY HAVE BEEN codependent in past relationships with women who needed me or with women who are obsessed with me, but I don't think I'm needy with her. I o realize this yesterday at 0200 AM when the melatonin failed to kick in. Nah, I don't think I'm needy at all...if anything, I'm emotionally attached  as she is with me. We talked for an hour before she went to work and yes, we still communicate after all our differences. She says, "You know, I think we are soul mates, and even without the sex, we'd still be talking or hanging out together. Don't stay apart from me too long. Our connection is intoxicating."

We both hate being apart from each other and since we can't do anything about it till we get our shit done, we decided to play a reward game: we get our goals crossed off and we reward ourselves with seeing each other in the other state. Yeah, that totally motivates me to get my issues resolved much faster.

I know I have my trust / commitment issues to work out and she knows this. She has plate full of crap too. I'm fucked up in the head but knowing that I'm not alone is fine by me. I can accept and live with this. For so many years, I thought I was alone. I finally have someone who has similar crap like me.

Yeah. I can live with myself now.

Gravity

I'm falling to Earth...to be grounded again.

I kinda like it. Sure it feels great to be in love, but its better to love yourself as hard as that seems sometimes. And sometimes, the one that you love may not be necessarily good for you. I know she is. She's a good person at heart; she's just bitter at her life and the way it turned out. She had a reality check last night and it made her realize that she's been selfish all this time with her thinking of killing herself. I've told her that a zillion times that suicide is a selfish act and why the fuck would she want her kids motherless? I'm glad she's come to this realization to stop wallowing in self pity. As her best friend, I can only be grateful for the person who woke her up from this negative loop.

She has a lot of issues to face as do I and I can't throw stones. I'm greatly flawed myself. And I can't help others if I can't help myself...so gravitating to earth is grounding me.

Gravity...it feels great to be ALIVE on earth again. Even though I'll miss her, I feel happy that we didn't burn bridges. I'll feel even better when she's happier, healthier, and whole again. That's all I can hope for.

Namaste, Sam.

Live well. 831

Borderline Personality Disorder

Its really hard being in a relationship/friendship since she's ALWAYS stressed out and insecure of herself. I've been researching BPD and she definitely has a lot of the symptoms:

• suicidal ideation
• feelings of emptiness and abandonment when I'm not around
• high stress levels
• clinical depression
• severe mood swings and anxiety

I don't know what else to do but comfort her over the phone. But most of the time, that's not enough. I told her to go see a doctor, but she refuses and gives me the excuse that she "doesn't have the money" blah blah blah. Told her that the stress is gonna age her and kill her. Sometimes I think that's what she wants. She complains her job sucks and I told her to dress up her resume and look for another job. She procrastinates and has a loss of time--she has trouble focusing, concentrating on daily tasks like paying bills. 

I've repeatedly told her that I'm her friend to the end like the urbandictionary definition of  "Friends: people who are aware of how retarded you are and yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

I absolutely hate seeing her this way. It drains me too. Its not healthy for me either. I've never been with a borderline so this is all new to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am borderline myself since I text bombed her phone all worried about her hiatus from the phone and internet, and worrying about her made me send her five emails. And even though I've realized that love makes me do stupid shit, common sense prevails and tells me this is a toxic relationship. I'm torn between emotion and reasoning...

Ugh.

Policy of Truth

WE operate on a policy of truth.

As long as we know its the truth that we can see, then it is so. We fought for what seems like weeks when it was all a misunderstanding. She went off the deep end on what I said and she couldn't control her emotions, going off on a tangent. We're still so emotionally attached to each other that its just impossible to deny it, if anything. Can't label or categorize it but just as best friends; friendship.

She couldn't understand the meaning of "friend". And I was curious on what it actually meant. For the longest time, she's been disgusted with that word. I liked the urbandictionary definition: "friends--people who are aware of how retarded you are, yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

Yeah, that sums it up. I know we're both retarded--socially inept adults, in a complex relationship with emotional benefits. As Perry Como said, "if I had you, could I ever want for more? Its just impossible!"

831

Remember back in the day before the advent of cellphones, in high school I had a beeper.

Yes, I'm that old.

My friends and I would come up with ways to say words without actually typing them in. With beepers, you couldn't anyway. Beepers just gave out numbers. So if my Mom wanted me to call her after I got home, she would leave me the number she was calling from on my beeper. Mine was dark green and also gave me the time and date. A friend had a beeper in the shape of a car; mine wasn't that extravagant. Just a boxy green one.

My favorite number I still use today in text is 831: means EIGHT letters, THREE words, ONE meaning. I told Sam about that one time and she didn't know what that meant. She did remember having a beeper. When she found out, she was delighted...like she learned something new.

She called me last night for the first time in a week.

831

Letting Her Go

Thank you for giving me the closure that I needed.

Be safe and have a good life.

----------------------------------------------
Yeah. I can finally let you go and move on.
-----------
Read somewhere that "intense interpersonal relationships are short and don't last long." Was that what we had? I'm reflecting now. The longest one lasting for me consecutively was Sam at a year and two months.

Flesh Wounds

"There is an ocean between us. WHY??????"

The ocean you created? I just wanted to vent to you but you took it the wrong way and got offended. Went off the deep end and told me I wasn't good enough for you. And then when I called you out on your head game of manipulating me to move down there for you--even though I made my mind to be there AFTER Christmas cuz of snow and ice and wanting to be with my family, you said that you're going to spend the holidays alone. Purely selfish act. Give up my family and life for you.

And when you told me I wasn't good enough for you, and I tell you why that bothered and irritated me, you go on this evangelical tirade that I should "succeed and fly like an eagle cuz that would mean I had a good and positive influence on you."

What. The. Fuck. Was. That. About...

Was it the ocean that you've just created?

I've fallen deep and hard for you and then when you tell me you're online dating to meet other men, I'm even more disgusted and hurt. You weren't really focusing on school because you were wanting to replace me. I really don't know what the hell is going on in your mind now. Called me blind-sided and confused.

Then when I saw your email today saying, "I miss you horribly." There's no justification in what you've said previously. What is going on with you? I understand your loneliness but you've blew me completely out in left field.

Moving on is hard. And difficult. And you know how to illicit a response from me so its hard for me to ignore you. I'll get better. I won't check my phone or email so much. Fresh wounds and I'm tired of getting them reopened by you.

I promise I won't get so blinded and blind-sided by your love any more. Rough seas ahead...

I miss you so bad

Her words were erratic yesterday, so were her moods. She said she was having bad mood swings and she needed to be on an antidepressant or something. Then I callHed her on the phone and she laid it out to me: "You're so perfect for me in every way, but you can't support or take care of me. I'm becoming selfish and I don't want to be and I miss you so fucking bad. Before, I thought it was all for the kids, but now its all about me and what I want".

Um wow.

I sent a few more texts then I stopped. Her service with T-Mobile sucks. They're not living up to their name. I told her that we're friends first and foremost. She said that she's going to use her in-laws to go to school and make some money for herself. She says she might lose me in the process.

Hmm. Whatever it takes to have a better life for yourself.

I don't know what to say except I'm done.

Clueless in Florida

What is it now...do you want to label us?

I never cared to label us, but as companions. That's the closest term I can relate to.

I don't know what to call friends who are intimate with each other yet live in different states, but both wanting the same goals which includes being with each other. She and I both have obligations we need to take care of before we can move ahead. Me; Plan A. Her; Plan C or whatever she has planned. My mission is set. Not gonna veer from the course.

Yep. Even at my ripe old age, I'm still clueless about relationships...

Georgia On My Mind

Spent the last three days in Georgia cuz I felt I needed closure. I told her I needed to pick up the stuff I left cuz they had sentimental  alive; an old DeWalt radio and a camp stove, but she knew the real reason. She saw right through my fascade. She's not stupid--far from it. I admitted guilt. I HAD to see her again.

Kinda funny though...we felt the same towards each other, yet she told me that "We're at a place in our lives that we can't be together. We have too much shit to do. You have to work on your fears and I have to restructure my dismal future. When we're together, we act like an old married couple. We're complacent and we never get anything done".

True.

When we weren't eating or doing errands, we were naked or partially clothed OR just naked in bed. Yep. Pretty much sums it up. Even though her dreams were shattered to the core--every single one of them, she's a wild spirit to the core. We are a perfect match for each other--I can honestly say that without a doubt; just hard to contain us in words, label us in any category. I seem to be the calm one of the two. Weird how I can admit to that.

I feel much better now...

How I Annoy Myself...

I just sent a whole slew of texts to the wrong person...

Yes I'm delusional at the moment. For sure.

Where Do We Go From Here

I know where I'm going...I'm not gonna end up worrying about her and how she affects me in a negative way by breaking my heart over and . over again.

I was actually very productive today: made Dad's appointments and follow-ups, picked up his meds, applied for three online positions at Baptist hospital, got chlorine jugs for the damn pool--its becoming more of a headache to maintain than to be fun, got a water report on it, watched the baby for an hour or two, did some yard work which I HATE cuz sweating in this Florida heat blows. And a bunch of other stuff. Was busy all day from the time I ate breakfast to around seven thirty tonight.

Yeah, I'm not gonna dwell on Switch, did text her grown daughter that I was worried about her. Her daughter and I never got along well when I lived in Georgia; we chatted but nothing with substance. Like "Hi Shannon, bye Shannon". Stuff like that. Shannon did cockblock me once. I like the 24 year old blond airhead, but that's it. She disrespects hs er mom, Sam, which is something I can't stand so I just avoid that little shit so I won't have the urge to trip her down the stairs or something heinous.

Mark said I should brainstorm on what I like to do and use that criteria on finding the job that I want: never thought of that. I like to do a lot of things, mostly physical. I know I like helping people in crisis, but then I have the personality of a stone face, a blockhead. And I can laugh at myself and at you without making it so obvious.

I also like working on engines, painting, building shelves, mowing the yard, cooking, talking to people and listening to what they have to say and listening to their stories. Stuff. Right now, I'm trying not to think about Switch uch cuz I know I'll flounder and lose my ground. I mean, she's still my friend...at a distance cuz that's all I can stand of her at the moment. She's got way too many issues and I don't want her to drag me down and make me feel guilty of the way I'm feeling.

Yeah...keep myself busy. That's the ticket. I still miss her though, holding and touching her skin, listening to her talk in that Georgia peach Southern accent of hers. WOO!! Shut that door!!

Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

I was reassessing myself and why I get into these unhealthy relationships. Sam said I'm the epitome of fear--"which is why you can't commit to anyone". I think that's a wrong assumption. The reason I can't commit to anyone is cuz no one has made it pass my criteria of being in a relationship with me two years. That's all I ask. Two years. I've seen and met people stay together longer than that.

The reason Sam and I split is she grew a conscience and wasn't ready to be on a relationship. Rather, her mind and overwhelming guilt wouldn't allow her to have a clear mind to love forward with her life. I can't blame her though. If she's not ready to give up the bullshit, then she's not ready to get out of the rut and stay in the groove of misery where she likes it in her little world. I could have given her so much of myself, but as I'm learning, unconditional love like I've told her to expect from me, HAS to be conditional with boundaries and deal-breakers. Unconditional love only exists between family members, not for those romantically involved, and even that, wanes.

Romantic love is fleeting and temporary. I think we were a match made in lust, passion, and fear. Fear of being alone. I'm not giving her excuses nor slack. I just wished I could've kissed her hard before I left...like in those old black and white films such as "From Here To Eternity".

All along its been a fever

I can't move on. I'm still too strongly attached to her.

I couldn't sleep last night so I logged on to the net to do some job hunting. When I came back to bed, I saw there were 15 messages on my phone. I thought they were from various people that I've been talking to about the break up. They were all from Sam. She said she missed talking to me and she missed her best friend. And that it was too quiet in her head (her phone).

How can I confront this?

Since where I now live in Florida, there's lots of trees and signals barely come in and where she lives, the same with calls, so we just text. We text for four hours almost non-stop. FOUR FUCKING HOURS. We missed each other's company and the long talks we had when I lived with her in Georgia. We'd stay up half the night cuz we're both night owls and enjoy each other's company in the dark and moonlight.

I want this hole in my chest, GONE. I can't let her go. She can't let me go, so we're both stuck in limbo. A hot, heated fevered passionate turbulence. I keep torturing myself. I don't know why. Maybe cuz part of me misses her and keeps hanging on.

I did get my feelings sorted with her telling her that she lied to me. We both agreed that we were brutally honest and she told me to never to lie to her, but SHE LIED to me. Said I was mad for a minute, but I forgave her cuz she's human. And we're all human cuz we make mistakes. She says she's no one special, but I tend to disagree. She's special to me cuz she and her goofy ways make me incredibly happy. I can overlook all her faults, scars and shortcomings. I told her I tend not to have a conscience cuz having one makes me second guess myself so its better that I don't explore that venue.

For the next two hours, she went on talking that she's a horrible mother and wants to kill herself. I didn't take her seriously, of course, but I did tell her if she doesn't make an appointment to see a specialist and get her anxiety down, I'll report her ass.

I am doing other things besides being depressed and mulling over her, but when I stop to think for a minute, I get sucked in to being in the BACK with her again. We're both progressing whether we like it or not.

This Rhianna song describes me in limbo...

Lovers to Friends

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

We decided to end all communication with each other yesterday. I called her before she went to work and told her I'd give her space. I think we both just needed space and time to heal. We both have a lot of crap going on and being there emotionally clouds everything up; does more harm than good when you're both reeling from an emotional break up that's beyond either of us can control. This gives me time to think about my own unhealthy relationship issues--I was never good at having one last two years. Samantha/Switch and I were together for a year, then she went south in a bad way. She seemed to want me to fix her issues but I couldn't.

I can't. I have my own to deal with. Gotta make myself happy before I can help anyone else to be objective enough to do it. Can't let my emotions cloud my judgement. Moving on is torture. I have to do this. Or I'll never move on and be stuck in limbo.

I miss her though. Yeah...my Memorial Day...

The Grieving Period

Missy said I was in it.

She said to let Switch go and enjoy having fun to myself. Its difficult to do at the moment. Easier said than done. I'm missing her.Switch even said I deserve better than her, she said I deserve the happiness she couldn't give me.

I was in denial cuz I miss her so much! I miss the routine of Switch. I miss us talking almost every day. Today, I don't think we're gonna talk or text much any more. Till we both figure out the mess of our lives, hers mostly. She has a huge overwhelming mess she has got to get sorted.

And I need a job. AGAIN.

I'm spending my resources on helping her out and she says its toxic for me. Missy even said that that's negative energy. I just don't want anything to happen to her...like losing her house and new car. She has too much going out and she knows it.

I don't know. My mind is in a fuzzy fog at the moment. Grieving. Losing her. Not lost yet. Maybe. Uncertainty. Its the routine that I miss.

End of Days

Yesterday started off perfect or so it seemed. Touching and kissing and snuggling in bed, teasing each other then she went all emotional saying she wanted to kill herself and that her life was over. I deliberately called off work cuz I was worried about her and drove back home.

- She was still in bed, naked
- I presented myself and took off my clothes, laying next to her
- We talked some more
- I was under the impression she was feeling better
- We ate brunch and cleaned the house a little
- I planted the new Mandevilla plant next to the mailbox
- She did laundry
- Her kids came home but had to leave for their grandmother's for dinner
- We went to the park and ran around the track in the rain
- She said she loved the rain and it touching her skin
- She picked honeysuckles and we sucked the juice from them
- And talked some more while holding hands
- We then went to get dollar menus but then her car stalled at the drive thru
- People were abuzz everywhere trying to help us
- Once we reached our neighborhood, the car stalled and died
- More people came to help us
- We got the car in some driveway then we talked
- She said "don't get mad at me but I'm going back to him. I can't feed my kids without his family's support and I need them. They're not such bad people, Alain"
- I felt shocked and betrayed but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later
- I just kissed her for the last time and said, "you're a married woman and I can't have a relationship with you. We can only be friends. You gotta do what you gotta do for your kids"
- She said, "I know. And I can't let my father-in-law see you in my car"
- I got out in the rain and walked home
- Empty
- Sullen feelings. It had to end. I couldn't keep the fantasy that we were going to live happily every after continue anymore even though it was romantic bliss
- We used each other for emotional crutches
- Her more than me cuz I gave her something her husband couldn't
- An escape
- I was really angry at her too
- Got home and took a long hot shower
- She came home with the kids three hours later
- She asked to come into my locked room but I denied her
- Right then and there, we were over
- I said at the track while we were holding hands that we'll always be friends

- Time will tell...I'm leaving for Florida in the morning or maybe tonight. I don't know anymore. I'm in a daze. The routine is what will eat at me. The routine of being with each other and then nothing. That's what sucks about everything. She lied to me. She told me things I wanted to hear, but then again she also loved me. I don't know what to do about that either.

Like I said, time will tell...and I quit my job this morning. Didn't really like it.

No One Is to Blame

"And I want her, and she wants me
No one is to blame"

Lyrics off the Howard Jones song of the same name.

Maybe we went about it all wrong, both of us emotionally starved and then latching on to the closest person available. She thought I was her knight in shining armor. I said of her being the woman of my dreams come true. And we thought we were each other's prayers answered.

We have way too many issues of our own to move forward in this relationship/friendship. Sometimes its almost toxic, only to be dulled by fantastic sex. There has to be more meaning to this relationship than just that! I dream of her too much while she says that she romanticizes about me as much.

But love won't put food on the table or gas in the car. We're both financially strapped and on top of that, the kids need stuff that neither she or I can afford at the moment. I gotta get another fucking job or work two jobs to make ends meet. Everything's complicated when kids are involved.

She told me I was lucky since I never had any kids. She said, "they're so cute and adorable when they're young, but they'll stab you in the back when they get older".

I'm having fun with them for a minute. They mind me to an extent, but I can't fix the damage that's already been done to them by their father leaving them. Abandoning them. What man abandons his children? The kids just tell me things and how they feel.

I would never have kids if I knew I couldn't afford to feed or clothe them. Another expense I can't handle, but she does. She needs someone better than me who'll give her financial security. I'm her best friend and I'll always have her back no matter what, but I can't give her what she needs till I deal with my own demons.

And I Want To Know

Sometimes I wonder if I could live without her...maybe I can, but life would be empty not having her talk my ear off. I love listening to her even if for just the most mundane thing. I do know one thing though, she's a catalyst.

She's causes people to do things beyond their thinking. She made me look for the most insane jobs just to get income going. And I wanted to do it for her, if not for myself. My mind's been in a whirl as of late. Can't seem to get organized till last week. I started thinking about being rich and wealthy and that's what just kept cycling in my brain.

Not thinking too much of Switch, just trying to focus on myself. Sometimes I think I'm codependent...UGH

A Life Little Less Known

Sometimes I think I'm floundering...

I don't know what to do with my life. I've had 13 jobs since college and that looks bad on a work history. Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing with Switch. Sure she needs my help in getting her life organized, but what about me? WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT?!

I don't have a clue...

Its her son's birthday and the kid wanted his Mom and his Dad to have dinner together as much as Switch hates her ex husband. I don't really know what role I play in HER life, but maybe just being her best friend who will listen to her stories, gripes and life?

I don't know. Nothing. Anymore.

Sometimes love just ain't enough...cheesy song, but its a fact.

Junnoliek?

Like Salt on an Open Wound

Sometimes I think I've become needy and codependent on her. I read somewhere that "unconditional love is a disaster waiting to happen" cuz there's no boundaries.

:shock:

More thoughts on this later...

The Cannibal Eye

Its a dog-eat-dog out here. Too many people clamoring for the same job no matter how miniscule. Like cannibals, feeding on each other. I've been job hunting since February 10th, and nothing steady. Registered myself with three temp agencies and the jobs either close down or the shifts laid off. Tonight I'll start my "dry run" at UPS to see if I'll be able to handle the fast paced work environment.

The hiring manager said to all THREE of us that were present last Monday to watch the seven-minute video and "everything that's on there, multiply it times 50. This is a job that requires you being told what to do. If you don't like being told what to do, then this isn't for you. I like to tell people that because your supervisors will watch you closely for the first couple of weeks and then after that, you'll be on your own."

I don't care about all that; I'm not easily intimidated. I was in in the military and I was always being told what to do. The government OWNED my ass. I just need to get income going so I can make next month's car payment and insurance and hopefully, keep my phone turned on. I'm tired of surviving/barely surviving. Time to pull up my boot straps and dig in for a long-term goal: to be financially stable.

That's what I want.

Laughter

As we're waiting for the cable guy to upgrade her Internet throughout the house, I found some random pics that made me laugh so early in the morning. Then I told her and she just said, "Aren't you just so easily amused?"

Yeah. I am.

And for Valentine's Day, we're installing a door knob with a lock to her room so the kids won't mess with her stuff. They leave mine alone, but not hers. Wonder why...

And Valentine's Day should be every day!

I Just Wanted You To Know

We slept off and on, a restless night. Mainly cuz of her cervical stenosis which kept her restless and in pain with me equally anxious cuz I couldn't do anything for her. In a brief moment of bliss she said, "I think I'm needy since I wasn't shown this much affection or love in six years. I think men and women get needy or clingy of sex or companionship. I mean before I met you, I was always wet and it hurt and literally drove me crazy! I can imagine what it does for you men. But now, I'm satisfied and I have a parter who treats me like a person instead of cattle to be used and abused".

"Thank you so much for coming out here but I don't know why anyone would want to be with me and my problems. I know I'm a lot stronger in my mind for all that you've done for me and I love you so much for that. But you gave up your job and life to be with me. I've always thought I was a loser but that's in the past before I met you. Everything is different now. I was numb before and now I'm agitated. At least I'm feeling SOMETHING and something is better than nothing".

"I just wanted you to know that I love your ass".


And then I hugged her some more and smelled her hair while she drifted off to sleep...like sawing logs in a petrified forest. It's supposed to continue snowing, sleeting and icing around the Atlana area and outskirts. BOO.

Kiss Me Before You Go

Is it a form of neediness that we always have to be touching each other wherever we go, or say like even on bed? I've never encountered this before so this is all new to me. During the night we might end up holding the other is some form like holding hands or leg over leg or even skin touching skin, especially that. And if skin isn't touching skin, we wander to where the other is and touch their skin.

I don't know what to call it. She'll say, "kiss me before you go except when I'm sleeping". I do it anyway and smell her hair.

Through My World

I edited this post.

BAM!

My Pretty Baby

Yeah. I think I love her. I tell her so every so often as she says the same when we're together. Never thought I'd be in complete madness. That's what it is. Literally. I have to detach from her sometimes so I can breathe in my own space.

But...whenever she's in bed and I'm not there, she says...

"Your skin isn't touching mine. And I can't sleep."
"I can't be with you all the time even though I want to."
"Its not the same when I sleep alone and I hate waking up without you."

That Which Cannot Be Explained

Is it weird to love her so much it hurts inside and makes me scared and insecure like a parolee awaiting release? I feel like that sometimes even though she's mine and I'm hers, not in the possessive sense, but belonging. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Just the sheer thought of losing her scares the piss out of me. We reassure each other that we'll never leave the other's side, but how do we know for certain it won't happen? Right now, for the time being, we're best friends/lovers with no expectations. We say "I love you" and all that mushy shit. It's inevitable that that was going to happen.

She says I've helped her; helped her sort her emotions out. Grounded her. Got her to feel again instead of being numb and lethargic. Made her a little bit sane. But what of me? If I were to do it all over again, I would still have come to be with her. I'm like a boat being sucked up in the whirlpool of Switchblade. Is it because I'm madly incredibly head over heels for her? I've always thought of myself as an emotionless clod...till last summer.

Honestly, I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me...

You Look So Fine

She makes me happy and that's all I really want at this moment. She also makes me laugh like no other; makes my face crack! On top of it all, she's tenacious and kicks my ass if I don't progress with my goals. She really wants me to succeed and wants me to go to school and get a better paying job. To stop wasting my life, floundering about. Listless.

And sometimes she's really moody...

I'm not a Fix-It All...at all

She wants to flip this house, but she says there's a lot of work that needs to be done. Me, myself, I've never owned a home or stayed in one long enough to care about fixing it up, but Switchblade has flipped two houses prior and thinks WE should do the same with this.

Dragging me along in her little schemes...

I don't mind, but I'm lacking experience in domestication, me being a nomadic caveman and all. I've worked on main engines and diesel generators, anchor windlass and boat and aircraft cranes, but nothing like fixing up a house. This is a whole new experience to me.

And so it goes...

Post New Year's Day

Switchblade and I were downstairs on the sofa talking about random things yesterday. She was having an anxiety attack along with her cup of wine. So we sat down and had a long talk about Vader--that's the name she gives her ex, and she was visibly shaken about losing her job, her house, her kids, everything. I calmed her fears down that when I have a second job, she'll be able to be a little bit more stable cuz I'm renting her downstairs room and she'll be my landlord. Her house is big enough. And all I suggested that she take one day at a time and don't take on more than she can handle.

I don't label our relationship cuz it gets too complicated and awkward. I just think of us as best friends and lovers. I don't know what else to call it so I'll leave it at that. Unconventional. I have an interview coming up this next week and from what Switchblade has told me, that others at her hospital have been trying for months to get on there and when she told her coworkers I got a call back within three weeks for being an "outsider", they all seem surprised. I don't know what the deal is.

I'm still stressing about getting a second job.

I need one, but she was telling me that its better to have one job that pays well than working two puissant jobs for pennies. I don't want to be crawling back to my family, a failure.