Thursday, May 29, 2014

How I Annoy Myself...

I just sent a whole slew of texts to the wrong person...

Yes I'm delusional at the moment. For sure.

Where Do We Go From Here

I know where I'm going...I'm not gonna end up worrying about her and how she affects me in a negative way by breaking my heart over and . over again.

I was actually very productive today: made Dad's appointments and follow-ups, picked up his meds, applied for three online positions at Baptist hospital, got chlorine jugs for the damn pool--its becoming more of a headache to maintain than to be fun, got a water report on it, watched the baby for an hour or two, did some yard work which I HATE cuz sweating in this Florida heat blows. And a bunch of other stuff. Was busy all day from the time I ate breakfast to around seven thirty tonight.

Yeah, I'm not gonna dwell on Switch, did text her grown daughter that I was worried about her. Her daughter and I never got along well when I lived in Georgia; we chatted but nothing with substance. Like "Hi Shannon, bye Shannon". Stuff like that. Shannon did cockblock me once. I like the 24 year old blond airhead, but that's it. She disrespects hs er mom, Sam, which is something I can't stand so I just avoid that little shit so I won't have the urge to trip her down the stairs or something heinous.

Mark said I should brainstorm on what I like to do and use that criteria on finding the job that I want: never thought of that. I like to do a lot of things, mostly physical. I know I like helping people in crisis, but then I have the personality of a stone face, a blockhead. And I can laugh at myself and at you without making it so obvious.

I also like working on engines, painting, building shelves, mowing the yard, cooking, talking to people and listening to what they have to say and listening to their stories. Stuff. Right now, I'm trying not to think about Switch uch cuz I know I'll flounder and lose my ground. I mean, she's still my a distance cuz that's all I can stand of her at the moment. She's got way too many issues and I don't want her to drag me down and make me feel guilty of the way I'm feeling.

Yeah...keep myself busy. That's the ticket. I still miss her though, holding and touching her skin, listening to her talk in that Georgia peach Southern accent of hers. WOO!! Shut that door!!

Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

I was reassessing myself and why I get into these unhealthy relationships. Sam said I'm the epitome of fear--"which is why you can't commit to anyone". I think that's a wrong assumption. The reason I can't commit to anyone is cuz no one has made it pass my criteria of being in a relationship with me two years. That's all I ask. Two years. I've seen and met people stay together longer than that.

The reason Sam and I split is she grew a conscience and wasn't ready to be on a relationship. Rather, her mind and overwhelming guilt wouldn't allow her to have a clear mind to love forward with her life. I can't blame her though. If she's not ready to give up the bullshit, then she's not ready to get out of the rut and stay in the groove of misery where she likes it in her little world. I could have given her so much of myself, but as I'm learning, unconditional love like I've told her to expect from me, HAS to be conditional with boundaries and deal-breakers. Unconditional love only exists between family members, not for those romantically involved, and even that, wanes.

Romantic love is fleeting and temporary. I think we were a match made in lust, passion, and fear. Fear of being alone. I'm not giving her excuses nor slack. I just wished I could've kissed her hard before I in those old black and white films such as "From Here To Eternity".

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

All along its been a fever

I can't move on. I'm still too strongly attached to her.

I couldn't sleep last night so I logged on to the net to do some job hunting. When I came back to bed, I saw there were 15 messages on my phone. I thought they were from various people that I've been talking to about the break up. They were all from Sam. She said she missed talking to me and she missed her best friend. And that it was too quiet in her head (her phone).

How can I confront this?

Since where I now live in Florida, there's lots of trees and signals barely come in and where she lives, the same with calls, so we just text. We text for four hours almost non-stop. FOUR FUCKING HOURS. We missed each other's company and the long talks we had when I lived with her in Georgia. We'd stay up half the night cuz we're both night owls and enjoy each other's company in the dark and moonlight.

I want this hole in my chest, GONE. I can't let her go. She can't let me go, so we're both stuck in limbo. A hot, heated fevered passionate turbulence. I keep torturing myself. I don't know why. Maybe cuz part of me misses her and keeps hanging on.

I did get my feelings sorted with her telling her that she lied to me. We both agreed that we were brutally honest and she told me to never to lie to her, but SHE LIED to me. Said I was mad for a minute, but I forgave her cuz she's human. And we're all human cuz we make mistakes. She says she's no one special, but I tend to disagree. She's special to me cuz she and her goofy ways make me incredibly happy. I can overlook all her faults, scars and shortcomings. I told her I tend not to have a conscience cuz having one makes me second guess myself so its better that I don't explore that venue.

For the next two hours, she went on talking that she's a horrible mother and wants to kill herself. I didn't take her seriously, of course, but I did tell her if she doesn't make an appointment to see a specialist and get her anxiety down, I'll report her ass.

I am doing other things besides being depressed and mulling over her, but when I stop to think for a minute, I get sucked in to being in the BACK with her again. We're both progressing whether we like it or not.

This Rhianna song describes me in limbo...

Monday, May 26, 2014

Lovers to Friends

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

We decided to end all communication with each other yesterday. I called her before she went to work and told her I'd give her space. I think we both just needed space and time to heal. We both have a lot of crap going on and being there emotionally clouds everything up; does more harm than good when you're both reeling from an emotional break up that's beyond either of us can control. This gives me time to think about my own unhealthy relationship issues--I was never good at having one last two years. Samantha/Switch and I were together for a year, then she went south in a bad way. She seemed to want me to fix her issues but I couldn't.

I can't. I have my own to deal with. Gotta make myself happy before I can help anyone else to be objective enough to do it. Can't let my emotions cloud my judgement. Moving on is torture. I have to do this. Or I'll never move on and be stuck in limbo.

I miss her though. Memorial Day...

Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Grieving Period

Missy said I was in it.

She said to let Switch go and enjoy having fun to myself. Its difficult to do at the moment. Easier said than done. I'm missing her.Switch even said I deserve better than her, she said I deserve the happiness she couldn't give me.

I was in denial cuz I miss her so much! I miss the routine of Switch. I miss us talking almost every day. Today, I don't think we're gonna talk or text much any more. Till we both figure out the mess of our lives, hers mostly. She has a huge overwhelming mess she has got to get sorted.

And I need a job. AGAIN.

I'm spending my resources on helping her out and she says its toxic for me. Missy even said that that's negative energy. I just don't want anything to happen to losing her house and new car. She has too much going out and she knows it.

I don't know. My mind is in a fuzzy fog at the moment. Grieving. Losing her. Not lost yet. Maybe. Uncertainty. Its the routine that I miss.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

End of Days

Yesterday started off perfect or so it seemed. Touching and kissing and snuggling in bed, teasing each other then she went all emotional saying she wanted to kill herself and that her life was over. I deliberately called off work cuz I was worried about her and drove back home.

- She was still in bed, naked
- I presented myself and took off my clothes, laying next to her
- We talked some more
- I was under the impression she was feeling better
- We ate brunch and cleaned the house a little
- I planted the new Mandevilla plant next to the mailbox
- She did laundry
- Her kids came home but had to leave for their grandmother's for dinner
- We went to the park and ran around the track in the rain
- She said she loved the rain and it touching her skin
- She picked honeysuckles and we sucked the juice from them
- And talked some more while holding hands
- We then went to get dollar menus but then her car stalled at the drive thru
- People were abuzz everywhere trying to help us
- Once we reached our neighborhood, the car stalled and died
- More people came to help us
- We got the car in some driveway then we talked
- She said "don't get mad at me but I'm going back to him. I can't feed my kids without his family's support and I need them. They're not such bad people, Alain"
- I felt shocked and betrayed but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later
- I just kissed her for the last time and said, "you're a married woman and I can't have a relationship with you. We can only be friends. You gotta do what you gotta do for your kids"
- She said, "I know. And I can't let my father-in-law see you in my car"
- I got out in the rain and walked home
- Empty
- Sullen feelings. It had to end. I couldn't keep the fantasy that we were going to live happily every after continue anymore even though it was romantic bliss
- We used each other for emotional crutches
- Her more than me cuz I gave her something her husband couldn't
- An escape
- I was really angry at her too
- Got home and took a long hot shower
- She came home with the kids three hours later
- She asked to come into my locked room but I denied her
- Right then and there, we were over
- I said at the track while we were holding hands that we'll always be friends

- Time will tell...I'm leaving for Florida in the morning or maybe tonight. I don't know anymore. I'm in a daze. The routine is what will eat at me. The routine of being with each other and then nothing. That's what sucks about everything. She lied to me. She told me things I wanted to hear, but then again she also loved me. I don't know what to do about that either.

Like I said, time will tell...and I quit my job this morning. Didn't really like it.