Sunday, April 27, 2014

No One Is to Blame

"And I want her, and she wants me
No one is to blame"

Lyrics off the Howard Jones song of the same name.

Maybe we went about it all wrong, both of us emotionally starved and then latching on to the closest person available. She thought I was her knight in shining armor. I said of her being the woman of my dreams come true. And we thought we were each other's prayers answered.

We have way too many issues of our own to move forward in this relationship/friendship. Sometimes its almost toxic, only to be dulled by fantastic sex. There has to be more meaning to this relationship than just that! I dream of her too much while she says that she romanticizes about me as much.

But love won't put food on the table or gas in the car. We're both financially strapped and on top of that, the kids need stuff that neither she or I can afford at the moment. I gotta get another fucking job or work two jobs to make ends meet. Everything's complicated when kids are involved.

She told me I was lucky since I never had any kids. She said, "they're so cute and adorable when they're young, but they'll stab you in the back when they get older".

I'm having fun with them for a minute. They mind me to an extent, but I can't fix the damage that's already been done to them by their father leaving them. Abandoning them. What man abandons his children? The kids just tell me things and how they feel.

I would never have kids if I knew I couldn't afford to feed or clothe them. Another expense I can't handle, but she does. She needs someone better than me who'll give her financial security. I'm her best friend and I'll always have her back no matter what, but I can't give her what she needs till I deal with my own demons.