Friday, January 31, 2014

That Which Cannot Be Explained

Is it weird to love her so much it hurts inside and makes me scared and insecure like a parolee awaiting release? I feel like that sometimes even though she's mine and I'm hers, not in the possessive sense, but belonging. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Just the sheer thought of losing her scares the piss out of me. We reassure each other that we'll never leave the other's side, but how do we know for certain it won't happen? Right now, for the time being, we're best friends/lovers with no expectations. We say "I love you" and all that mushy shit. It's inevitable that that was going to happen.

She says I've helped her; helped her sort her emotions out. Grounded her. Got her to feel again instead of being numb and lethargic. Made her a little bit sane. But what of me? If I were to do it all over again, I would still have come to be with her. I'm like a boat being sucked up in the whirlpool of Switchblade. Is it because I'm madly incredibly head over heels for her? I've always thought of myself as an emotionless clod...till last summer.

Honestly, I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me...

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

You Look So Fine

She makes me happy and that's all I really want at this moment. She also makes me laugh like no other; makes my face crack! On top of it all, she's tenacious and kicks my ass if I don't progress with my goals. She really wants me to succeed and wants me to go to school and get a better paying job. To stop wasting my life, floundering about. Listless.

And sometimes she's really moody...

Friday, January 3, 2014

I'm not a Fix-It all

She wants to flip this house, but she says there's a lot of work that needs to be done. Me, myself, I've never owned a home or stayed in one long enough to care about fixing it up, but Switchblade has flipped two houses prior and thinks WE should do the same with this.

Dragging me along in her little schemes...

I don't mind, but I'm lacking experience in domestication, me being a nomadic caveman and all. I've worked on main engines and diesel generators, anchor windlass and boat and aircraft cranes, but nothing like fixing up a house. This is a whole new experience to me.

And so it goes...

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Post New Year's Day

Switchblade and I were downstairs on the sofa talking about random things yesterday. She was having an anxiety attack along with her cup of wine. So we sat down and had a long talk about Vader--that's the name she gives her ex, and she was visibly shaken about losing her job, her house, her kids, everything. I calmed her fears down that when I have a second job, she'll be able to be a little bit more stable cuz I'm renting her downstairs room and she'll be my landlord. Her house is big enough. And all I suggested that she take one day at a time and don't take on more than she can handle.

I don't label our relationship cuz it gets too complicated and awkward. I just think of us as best friends and lovers. I don't know what else to call it so I'll leave it at that. Unconventional. I have an interview coming up this next week and from what Switchblade has told me, that others at her hospital have been trying for months to get on there and when she told her coworkers I got a call back within three weeks for being an "outsider", they all seem surprised. I don't know what the deal is.

I'm still stressing about getting a second job.

I need one, but she was telling me that its better to have one job that pays well than working two puissant jobs for pennies. I don't want to be crawling back to my family, a failure.