Friday, May 25, 2012

Financial Peace

It took me a year to read this book when my brother gave it to me as "something you should read". I ignored him, of course, as he's sometimes an over-bearing prick.

This time last year, I was in an unhealthy relationship as well, which also drained my creative juices. My ex was a few years younger than me, and she was completely Ms. Wrong in every way and manner. I guess at the time, I just NEEDED somebody...then it dawned on to me that I wasn't happy. I actually lived from paycheck to paycheck, a bad routine to have etched in my life.

I was willing to work through the muck of the relationship but we just seem to fall back on the same groove of argue/make up/argue. Mostly about financial matters. I'm a tight wad, and at times, impractical. I also have impulse-control issues, I'll admit that. The relationship just wasn't working out--I'd save money, but the stress of being with the ex just kept draining me as she mirrored my impulsiveness all too clearly. In other words, we weren't meshing as originally stated. It was just the novelty of a new relationship that was appealing and against my better judgement, I found myself becoming emotionally invested in the unhealthy union.

While I was going through that unsteady affair of the heart, I picked up this book one day...and couldn't put it down! I'm usually a slow reader, but that one day in August, I read almost to the end of the book. In it, Dave Ramsey explains his story of having it all and then being broke and all the measures he took to not scrape and the bottom again. Its been a while since I've read "Financial Peace", but I still implement the basics of it into my personal life like having an emergency cash fund. That part my brother engrained into my head cuz in his words, "Shit happens on a daily basis and you can't predict the outcome of life, so be prepared. Have something to fall back on so you won't be stressed out like you are now."

After reading three quarters of the book and applying some of the fundamentals to my way of thinking, I can safely say that I no longer look forward to counting days to payday. I'm still a money whore, that part won't ever change, but if I can at least plan for my future without having to worry about being in huge debt, I will. In my prepper mentality, its nice to have a Plan B, C, and D.

Its also the Boy Scout motto to "Be Prepared".

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Lego Space Shuttle

I thought this was really cool...a man builds a Lego Space Shuttle and attaches it to a weather balloon and with a camera, he launches it into space!

Fingers McPhee

I went blank for a title. :)

I'm all unpacked from the road trip from Florida to Arizona and I'll have to get use to the climate shock. Its a little cooler here in Flagstaff as compared to Pensacola and I miss the humidity and rain there. Its just for the summer but my opinion will probably change summer's end.

My summer job is house-sitting. How awesome is that? Plus, I get $100 a week for three months...or however they decide to pay me. Either way, my instructions were:

1) Unpack as soon as you get here
2) Check the mail daily
3) Open a bank account ASAP and contact me by email
4) You won't be able to use your cellphone. Signals don't come in clear
5) Make sure Mr. Tubbs and Ariel (their cats) are fed
6) If you run out of cat litter, be sure to get Feline Pine
7) Depending on the weather, the roads get muddy up there
8) If  you get stuck, call the Magdens. They're our neighbors down the way
9) We'll give you an "allowance" to get food and stuff which is why you need an account
10) Our land line works, but its about to get shut off
11) If you have any questions, email me as soon as they come up
12) We're going to be in Thailand for two weeks and then on to Sri Lanka for business as our honeymoon has turned into a working vacation
13) One more thing: DO NOT HAVE COMPANY OVER. We love our privacy and with the exception of the Magdens, we don't trust people. You can shoot our firearms as we have no neighbors for a good 10 miles. Flagstaff is the nearest city so if you go, be sure to stock up before going home.
14) I'm pretty sure you brought your guns and you can lock them up in the safe downstairs. The combination is 85713
15) If you need to use the Jeep, the keys are hanging on the wall by the desk. Its low on gas so you have to fill it up

Have fun, Sweetie! Love you!


So yeah. I have the entire house to myself and I'll probably take pictures later in my 'busy schedule'. I just hope I don't get bored. Now on to job hunting and getting an income while I tell them I'm low on gas to get to town. Maybe I can siphon the remaining gas in the Jeep and put it in my tank! IDEA!!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


I started seeing a counselor/therapist for my PTSD.

Last week's session was rather enlightening; she made me think in a different light cuz I couldn't get why I was so irritable, impulsive, somewhat always in a grumpy mood and if anyone said or nagged on me, I'd just go off like a spring.

Actually, I have to go see one cuz of work. People were noticing that I was in these weird mood swings on top of the PTSD. I dunno. I just needed to seek professional help cuz I felt like I was in limbo. And when I would stress out, I'd go to the gun range: just to be around noise with the energy flowing through me from the sound and vibrations of the firearms, for an hour I was relaxed. But even then, I didn't feel right. Kinda mucky. BLAH. Like I was about to vomit whatever my brain was focused on. Like this one time, I had the target in my sights, but I was thinking of camels crossing the desert being chased by Jenny McCarthy.

I could clearly see the target but my mind was a billion miles away and at the gun range, I wasn't too into it. I just wanted to sleep. I guess that was part of the depression sinking in--being tired and sleeping a lot. Had a nIasty break up and I was devastated from it cuz the assclown didn't have any respect for me. Whatever. I don't care about her anymore. For the most part, I ignore her at work. She tries to be friendly, but meh.

Being friends with her now isn't a good idea.

So I'm dealing. The therapist asked me if I wanted to harm myself or others. I replied, "No way. I love myself. And I don't want to hurt anyone else." I maybe a wee bit off--break ups can do that to anyone, and pile depression on top of it. I was mostly lethargic and lazy.

And Jenny McCarthy and her camels didn't help either.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Let's Pretend, A Happy End

It was but a momentary lapse of reasoning!

Really. I swear!

I gave into my impulses and went to bed with him. It was such a guilty pleasure and I enjoyed it! But it won't happen again because we're friends and we shouldn't fuck each other if we're going to be just that. When I'm in a relationship, I want exclusivity. I don't want to share with other girls and he has a girlfriend.

Jon says my car will be done by Saturday and I can go back on my merry way on the road. But the more I think of it, I won't allow myself to be used for sex. Well, actually its my fault this time because I seduced him. It wasn't my intention but that's the way it ended. He's at work now at his business so I'm all analyzing this myself.

I could go lay out by the pool in the backyard or go see a movie, or call Jon to meet me for lunch somewhere just as a friend, nothing else. But...I'm so retarded. I'm hard up for a relationship. I don't like to be alone when I have a lot of time to myself. I mean, I love being around people, but when I'm alone, I'm at my most vulnerable and I revert back to bad impulsive habits.

So in analyzing my situation at the moment:
1) Jon's having my car fixed at his friend's garage
2) I'm staying at Jon's till its fixed
3) While I'm without a car, he asked to keep the place clean b/c he works long hours
4) We had a history back in Florida
5) We had spontaneous sex the other day (I wasn't planning on it, but I kissed him first)
6) He couldn't have stopped himself b/c I ambush-kissed him
7) Does that mean I seduced him?
8) He has a girlfriend
9) If he has a girlfriend, he could have stopped me from kissing him
10) He could have stopped himself
11) He didn't
12) So he wanted me as much as I wanted him?
13) Damn it!
14) I've got to apologize to him...for me being a retard.
15) But damn. It felt so good!

What would Samantha back home say, "You're a whore. If you ever did something like that to me, I'd kill you. Period."

Damn. I didn't want to do it, but it just happened. Jon got too close to me and I acted on impulse. Well you know, I'm cursing myself now. So guilty. I'm going to walk down to the 7-11 and grab a beer or two. And then go lay out by the pool. Such a beautiful day to waste!

Jon, to me is like the lyrics in this Garbage song, "You Look So Fine".

Wednesday, May 16, 2012


I had a lot of it just this week alone. As of yesterday, I have sixty four hours, twenty-four hours of OT. AWESOME.

I'm exhausted so I'm spending my time off away from people and shutting my phone off to avoid family drama. I think my Mom finally figured out how to send text messages so she sent this big long hostile text to another family member. The message contained all close relatives' phone numbers so instead of just Mom and my niece having a private moment to each other, the rest of my family watched as it became a back and forth name calling session.

I don't know what happened after the first message, but that's what I'm assuming as I deleted all the posts from the conversation.

I saw my therapist for the first time today. I think she was dead on on my symptoms of PTSD. So...I'll be seeing her again.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


My car (the one I borrowed from my brother) BROKE DOWN outside Oklahoma City!

If its not one thing, its another. Luckily, I called a good friend since he lives in the area and he helped me out. I even got to stay at his place, provided I do his dishes. I'm not complaining. I mean, I don't have a set schedule to be in Arizona but I'd like to get there soon because all I'm going to do for the summer is house-sit and get mail. I need to do something else. I know I'll have an "allowance" but I still need income.

Time to explore the craigslist out here too! So unless I can get steady income, I'll pretty much be bored. Not really bored, but listless. Need something to occupy my time. Haven't taken many pictures of the road trip which is a huge undertaking, since I've actually never been this far from home. On my own, even!

Sometimes, I think about all those horror movies about people getting kidnapped and all that. I try not to think about it. At every rest stop, I make sure I walk around and stretch my legs. If I feel that I'm in a not too comfortable area, I immediately go back to the car. If a creeper comes up to me, I make sure he can see the bulge in my belt loop where my weapon is. I don't want to be a victim or a statistic. A lone woman can't be too careful nowadays.

Did I mention that my friend of six years is a martial arts instructor? Yep. But while I'm here at his place, I have to do housework while he works on getting my car fixed. Even trade, I suppose. It helps to have friends in self defense matters. I don't like to sound paranoid because my mind will go all over the place, but I need all the background I can get.

There was a bit of an awkward moment though...he was teaching me a submission move and told me to come at him by putting my hands around his throat. Then he showed me a wrist lock followed by an arm bar and then put me on the floor. Clumsy me, I got my foot tangled up with his foot and he almost fell on me to where our faces met.

Awkward moment...where we stared at each other for a minute.

OK. I'm coming clean with this. I met Jonathan in my freshman semester at UWF and we dated, but he moved out to the Midwest after a year, said he got a job offer he couldn't refuse. He was good to me then, but I wasn't ready for a long term relationship and I let him go. We've kept in touch though.

So while we were on the floor, he on top of me, I couldn't help but kiss him. I loved the smell of his cologne and his smile and his eyes and his hard body and everything else! Still, we're just friends, damnit. I haven't had sex in so long, I wouldn't know what to do. Jon has a nice place here: swimming pool in the back, big truck parked in the front, 55 gallon aquarium with fish in it remind me of home, wide-screen tv with streaming video and netflix!

I've thought about him a lot today. I think casual ex sex is in order for the evening! :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Dear Jen

This was going to be a letter to Jen, but I never mailed it or gave it to her. I posted it online for the first time on my livejournal under a different title a few days ago.

I don't know why I obsess about you, even though we're no longer together. Its been almost six months.

I still think about you. I don't know WHY.

You've made me completely miserable without you, yet I move on every day if even only an inch.

I hate it that we see each other every weekend; you in the office and me on the floor. And if we do talk, its just about work.

I miss your kisses in my ears and on my face and on my lips. I miss almost everything about you. I don't know if I can say that I hate you, yet I'm glad we didn't get very far. You just decided to throw all we had away in an instant. I don't like talking to you because I just want to rush up and hold you in my arms and feel you next to me.

I don't like talking to you because you make me miss you so I don't look in your eyes.

I don't look at your face.

I don't listen to your voice.

I even avoid talking to our friends about you because I don't want them to know how much I miss being with you. I delude myself into thinking that this is all a phase you're going through and that tomorrow we will be together as before. I know it'll never happen because I'm a little stronger without you in my life. Sometimes. Not always.

I know that if anything happens, I will always have your back.

My fault in this mess, I cared too much.

Parasite Eve

One more thing, I absolutely love this old Playstation game! I haven't beaten it because I'm never in one place long enough to play through it. Its on my TO DO list. :)

Whoring Myself

I'm checking out other blog features as I'm on the road to Flagstaff, Arizona. I was looking at the livejournal and wordpress as I'm a compulsive, impulsive blogger/writer. If I don't have Internet access, I'll write in my notebook. I've had a notebook since the eighth grade.

That long!

This also means I love pens. Those gel pens that write so smoothly are the ones I have a collection of. Yes, I know. I'm weird but in a good way.

Maybe I'll post road travel pix on here. I'm bad at taking pictures. :(

Monday, May 7, 2012

$5 Rock

I put in my two weeks notice yesterday.

As I went to get a tray of silverware when the rush died down, I walked into a conversation with Juan, one of the dishwashers and Leah, one of the four waitresses besides myself on the floor. Juan and Leah were talking about crack.

I pretended not to notice but couldn't help myself because Leah was tearing into Juan about there's no such thing as a "five dollar crack rock". She was going on and how when she lived in Tulsa, that she did a lot of drugs when she was younger and repeating to Juan that he must have fried his brains as there was no such thing.

I just stood there and laughed! I couldn't help it. Juan was full of himself and saw me laughing.

"Piss off, Shannon. This is an A and B conversation so C your way out".

"Hey! I need silverware and you're holding up progress, mister. And don't ask me about that because I have no clue. I was just laughing at what Leah said".

I went out to the lobby to stock up on cereal and in the kitchen, I could hear Leah ripping him a new one. Awesome! From their conversation, this is what I gather: I'm guessing cocaine is expensive and going about getting crack from cocaine would be where would he get five dollars for it?

I have no clue. Maybe he gets it at a discount or something. Anyway, I made great tips from the big table in the back. They left me $50 for a party of eight. I can't complain. Its good money sometimes, but I need to do something with my life. I can't see me being a professional student or going to school forever.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Slugging Along the Daisy Trail

Just got home.

Got called in to do the afternoon shift and there was a bus. A freaking tour bus FFS. On top of the night rush. Are you kidding me? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

I didn't get as much as I would usually have on say, a Sunday or weekend, but every little bit helps even though I didn't want to work tonight. There was a cute elderly couple that I was talking to and they made me laugh and almost cry at the same time. They have been together almost 60 years! I don't know anyone besides my parents who have been together at least 40 years, but this little couple beat them by twenty years.

You never see that anymore. People who's marriage lasting at least ten years. Most nowadays, people realize they've not been completely honest with each other and end up in divorce not even a year. Anyway, the couple told me that they were from Indianapolis and were back on their way after visiting Universal Studios and the whole Disney World/Magic Kingdom theme parks. They gave me a $25 tip for just being friendly and talking to them!

I wasn't complaining. Although now, I feel guilty about taking it. Was I taking advantage of them? No. Of course not. They gave it to me for being nice and all I was doing was my job. I'm a waitress. Its my job to make my customers happy so they'll leave me big tips. For the most part, they do. I shouldn't feel guilty.

But damn...

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Bath water

Soon as I got to Ashley's, I went straight to the bathroom to run hot water for a bath.

I wanted one. School was a mess but I'm glad I got thru finals with not much of a hitch. As I was driving, a flood of emotions came over me from missing Jen. I didn't have time to grieve losing her. She just dropped me via text. And it was like she was erased from my life. No "Bye Shannon, we're done." She just said, "I don't want us to be us anymore. Its just me." After that, she blocked me to where I couldn't text or call back.

I was so hurt. So many tears came from my eyes. I turned to Samantha for a shoulder to cry on. I turned to all my other hingirlfriends to make sense of shit. I wish there was some sort of school or class to learn how someone you love breaks up with you VIA TEXT MESSAGE after you've shared your life with them for a year. There ought to be a class that explains break ups.

But screw it. I'm almost don't think about her any more. So as soon as I was in the neighborhood of Ashley's apartment, I contemplated of how the bath water was going to feel on my skin. I thought of how I was going to describe in detail how I put a bubble bath on for myself to let me enjoy something so sensual and soothing while I let my mind wander into nothingness.

Instead, I thought of getting a belly button piercing...something like this picture.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012


I was going through my pix of Spring Break and I had to remove all of the ones with Jen in it. I need to go cold turkey on her. Completely. I came across this one of when my parents took me and my brother, Jeremy with them to Sydney, Australia.

I miss that entire week. I remember everything as clear as day. Maybe I'll go back sometime when I'm not so stressed about getting a place of my own. A place to call home. I have a love affair with the beach. Any beach. I just like to sit on the sand and let the edge of the water tingle my feet and toes and get lost in the repetition of the waves. Maybe that's why I love the company of myself and having no one to answer to.

No responsibilities to others except myself. Its easier that way. I need to go to bed. Have an exam tomorrow. Awesome.