Monday, September 1, 2014

A Crackhead on Words

That's what I call I don't have a very high perception of myself at the moment.

And I have a lot of issues that I'm facing as they reveal themselves to me.
- Codependency
-Abandonment issues
- Imbalance of priorities
- Impulsiveness
- Insomnia
- Random intrusive thoughts
- Black and white thinking / this or that
- PTSD and all its symptoms

The codependency and the abandonment both stem from when I lost my friends in an engine room fire back in the Navy twenty-something years ago. I don't have the flashbacks anymore although I'm leery of small dark enclosed places, and the abandonment comes from trying to save a relationship. Any relationship cuz I don't want to be left alone. Close friends dying. And the relationship addiction of me consistently prioritizing the other person's needs over mine.

Why the fuck do I do this? Why can't she ever meet me halfway? Sure she has bills to pay, but I don't have a steady (temp agency for now) job yet I still manage to come see her, motel rooms and all that. How come I'm always doing the driving: first, across country, then across five hours of the Georgia gauntlet of cops waiting to give out tickets on I-75

Darla told me that "in a relationship, it takes two people to give, to put forth the effort of 100% to make it work. Without that, you're gonna be in a world of hurt". I'm just rambling right now. Trying to get my bearings in this shitty shituation.


Jason Caldwell said...

It definitely takes two people putting forth effort. It will not always be 50/50, but the variations in effort should not always favor one over the other and both should at least be trying to put forth more and more effort.

toasterface said...

I just feel jilted; sure the mental and emotional support is there which i crave, but i can't be wining and dining on shit pay. i'd feel much better about it if i had funds or she'd drive down here for a change...

Sarah said...

Break ups suck.

toasterface said...

Yeah they do, but I still want to be friends with her. The relationship might not have worked out, but we were friends before that and I enjoyed that part. I'd hate to lose a good friendship.