Monday, September 1, 2014

A Crackhead on Words

That's what I call myself...as I don't have a very high perception of myself at the moment.

And I have a lot of issues that I'm facing as they reveal themselves to me.
- Codependency
-Abandonment issues
- Imbalance of priorities
- Impulsiveness
- Insomnia
- Random intrusive thoughts
- Black and white thinking / this or that
- PTSD and all its symptoms

The codependency and the abandonment both stem from when I lost my friends in an engine room fire back in the Navy twenty-something years ago. I don't have the flashbacks anymore although I'm leery of small dark enclosed places, and the abandonment comes from trying to save a relationship. Any relationship cuz I don't want to be left alone. Close friends dying. And the relationship addiction of me consistently prioritizing the other person's needs over mine.

Why the fuck do I do this? Why can't she ever meet me halfway? Sure she has bills to pay, but I don't have a steady (temp agency for now) job yet I still manage to come see her, motel rooms and all that. How come I'm always doing the driving: first, across country, then across five hours of the Georgia gauntlet of cops waiting to give out tickets on I-75

Darla told me that "in a relationship, it takes two people to give, to put forth the effort of 100% to make it work. Without that, you're gonna be in a world of hurt". I'm just rambling right now. Trying to get my bearings in this shitty shituation.

4 comments:

Jason Caldwell said...

It definitely takes two people putting forth effort. It will not always be 50/50, but the variations in effort should not always favor one over the other and both should at least be trying to put forth more and more effort.

toasterface said...

I just feel jilted; sure the mental and emotional support is there which i crave, but i can't be wining and dining on shit pay. i'd feel much better about it if i had funds or she'd drive down here for a change...

Sarah said...

Break ups suck.

toasterface said...

Yeah they do, but I still want to be friends with her. The relationship might not have worked out, but we were friends before that and I enjoyed that part. I'd hate to lose a good friendship.