Gravity

I'm falling to Earth...to be grounded again.

I kinda like it. Sure it feels great to be in love, but its better to love yourself as hard as that seems sometimes. And sometimes, the one that you love may not be necessarily good for you. I know she is. She's a good person at heart; she's just bitter at her life and the way it turned out. She had a reality check last night and it made her realize that she's been selfish all this time with her thinking of killing herself. I've told her that a zillion times that suicide is a selfish act and why the fuck would she want her kids motherless? I'm glad she's come to this realization to stop wallowing in self pity. As her best friend, I can only be grateful for the person who woke her up from this negative loop.

She has a lot of issues to face as do I and I can't throw stones. I'm greatly flawed myself. And I can't help others if I can't help myself...so gravitating to earth is grounding me.

Gravity...it feels great to be ALIVE on earth again. Even though I'll miss her, I feel happy that we didn't burn bridges. I'll feel even better when she's happier, healthier, and whole again. That's all I can hope for.

Namaste, Sam.

Live well. 831

Borderline Personality Disorder

Its really hard being in a relationship/friendship since she's ALWAYS stressed out and insecure of herself. I've been researching BPD and she definitely has a lot of the symptoms:

• suicidal ideation
• feelings of emptiness and abandonment when I'm not around
• high stress levels
• clinical depression
• severe mood swings and anxiety

I don't know what else to do but comfort her over the phone. But most of the time, that's not enough. I told her to go see a doctor, but she refuses and gives me the excuse that she "doesn't have the money" blah blah blah. Told her that the stress is gonna age her and kill her. Sometimes I think that's what she wants. She complains her job sucks and I told her to dress up her resume and look for another job. She procrastinates and has a loss of time--she has trouble focusing, concentrating on daily tasks like paying bills. 

I've repeatedly told her that I'm her friend to the end like the urbandictionary definition of  "Friends: people who are aware of how retarded you are and yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

I absolutely hate seeing her this way. It drains me too. Its not healthy for me either. I've never been with a borderline so this is all new to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am borderline myself since I text bombed her phone all worried about her hiatus from the phone and internet, and worrying about her made me send her five emails. And even though I've realized that love makes me do stupid shit, common sense prevails and tells me this is a toxic relationship. I'm torn between emotion and reasoning...

Ugh.

Policy of Truth

WE operate on a policy of truth.

As long as we know its the truth that we can see, then it is so. We fought for what seems like weeks when it was all a misunderstanding. She went off the deep end on what I said and she couldn't control her emotions, going off on a tangent. We're still so emotionally attached to each other that its just impossible to deny it, if anything. Can't label or categorize it but just as best friends; friendship.

She couldn't understand the meaning of "friend". And I was curious on what it actually meant. For the longest time, she's been disgusted with that word. I liked the urbandictionary definition: "friends--people who are aware of how retarded you are, yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

Yeah, that sums it up. I know we're both retarded--socially inept adults, in a complex relationship with emotional benefits. As Perry Como said, "if I had you, could I ever want for more? Its just impossible!"

831

Remember back in the day before the advent of cellphones, in high school I had a beeper.

Yes, I'm that old.

My friends and I would come up with ways to say words without actually typing them in. With beepers, you couldn't anyway. Beepers just gave out numbers. So if my Mom wanted me to call her after I got home, she would leave me the number she was calling from on my beeper. Mine was dark green and also gave me the time and date. A friend had a beeper in the shape of a car; mine wasn't that extravagant. Just a boxy green one.

My favorite number I still use today in text is 831: means EIGHT letters, THREE words, ONE meaning. I told Sam about that one time and she didn't know what that meant. She did remember having a beeper. When she found out, she was delighted...like she learned something new.

She called me last night for the first time in a week.

831