Wednesday, September 3, 2014

If The Mind Goes, The Body Follows...

Why are break ups so damn hard to deal with?

I was reading something about the feel good hormones of oxytocin and dopamine leaving when you're stressed out and the stress hormone, cortisol kicks in with the "fight or flight" process. Something, something. And then I started googling how to recover from a break up. Yeah, call me devastated but not so much as an emotional wreck like times past like the first time you said you were going back to Vader when your car broke down and I walked home in the rain. That was back in May. My flight response kicked in; I was only suppose to help Mark and Karen move that week, but you dropped the bomb on me with "going back to Vader" crap.

And it was five times after that when I was here in Florida that you brought me back in with your mood swings and I was so totally engrossed with you that I forgot my own self. I was engulfed in you and loving you with all my heart and what little resources I had that I took every chance I got, to drive to Georgia just to be with you. That's my fault but I wanted to be with you. I miss you so much. Yet, you seem to pick at my faults and went with it, like you what your alcoholic father did to you. If nothing seemed to make him happy, then nothing will make you happy. You have to do some soul searching yourself to make Sam happy.

For a while, you made me the happiest man on the planet, but you couldn't pull yourself out of the NEGATIVE VOID you dwelt in. I love you but I can't help you with that.

Mumbi said it cuz she's in a similar situation as ours: "You can't stop thinking about her because you love her so much that its primal. And if the sex is good, then you're stuck in this void where nothing seems to matter."

I asked Jason if he has friends he can talk to if he can't solve stuff or if he blogs about it. He said, "Everyone is my audience. I blog about everything and I vent about everything. I only keep the things inside that could be twisted about in court". Makes sense.

I blog about stuff that bothers me. It helps me sort things out. I always used to talk to you so I didn't blog much and didn't have a need to.

Gotta keep myself busy so I won't get stuck. Its so fucking hard to get over you sometimes.

I don't know how I'm going to get over you, but I will. I wanted us to be friends even after you divorce proceedings. But for now, the split is good for both of us. Its so hard, Sabrina told me that its going to take time. She was codependent with her best married friend and she knew him when she was 16. She had to cut off all communication with him to move on; she stopped seeing him when she was 36. It took her two years to start dating again. She said, "Every time I had a bad date, it made me think of going back to him". Now she has a guy who treats her right.

Yeah. I don't know how I'll get over you, but I will. My mind is muddled with constant thoughts of us together but I have to move on. If this post finds you and we're to cross paths in two years, you know how to find me and that promise to the Grand Canyon is still open. I'm definitely going to reward myself going there.

One more thing: it was a good relationship. You taught me a lot about myself. Thank you.

Take care of yourself, Sam.


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