Thursday, May 15, 2014

End of Days

Yesterday started off perfect or so it seemed. Touching and kissing and snuggling in bed, teasing each other then she went all emotional saying she wanted to kill herself and that her life was over. I deliberately called off work cuz I was worried about her and drove back home.

- She was still in bed, naked
- I presented myself and took off my clothes, laying next to her
- We talked some more
- I was under the impression she was feeling better
- We ate brunch and cleaned the house a little
- I planted the new Mandevilla plant next to the mailbox
- She did laundry
- Her kids came home but had to leave for their grandmother's for dinner
- We went to the park and ran around the track in the rain
- She said she loved the rain and it touching her skin
- She picked honeysuckles and we sucked the juice from them
- And talked some more while holding hands
- We then went to get dollar menus but then her car stalled at the drive thru
- People were abuzz everywhere trying to help us
- Once we reached our neighborhood, the car stalled and died
- More people came to help us
- We got the car in some driveway then we talked
- She said "don't get mad at me but I'm going back to him. I can't feed my kids without his family's support and I need them. They're not such bad people, Alain"
- I felt shocked and betrayed but I knew it was going to happen sooner or later
- I just kissed her for the last time and said, "you're a married woman and I can't have a relationship with you. We can only be friends. You gotta do what you gotta do for your kids"
- She said, "I know. And I can't let my father-in-law see you in my car"
- I got out in the rain and walked home
- Empty
- Sullen feelings. It had to end. I couldn't keep the fantasy that we were going to live happily every after continue anymore even though it was romantic bliss
- We used each other for emotional crutches
- Her more than me cuz I gave her something her husband couldn't
- An escape
- I was really angry at her too
- Got home and took a long hot shower
- She came home with the kids three hours later
- She asked to come into my locked room but I denied her
- Right then and there, we were over
- I said at the track while we were holding hands that we'll always be friends

- Time will tell...I'm leaving for Florida in the morning or maybe tonight. I don't know anymore. I'm in a daze. The routine is what will eat at me. The routine of being with each other and then nothing. That's what sucks about everything. She lied to me. She told me things I wanted to hear, but then again she also loved me. I don't know what to do about that either.

Like I said, time will tell...and I quit my job this morning. Didn't really like it.


Jason Caldwell said...

You have my deepest condolences, Alain.

toasterface said...

My mind is clouded and I'm confused at the moment. Only time will tell...