Wednesday, May 28, 2014

All along its been a fever

I can't move on. I'm still too strongly attached to her.

I couldn't sleep last night so I logged on to the net to do some job hunting. When I came back to bed, I saw there were 15 messages on my phone. I thought they were from various people that I've been talking to about the break up. They were all from Sam. She said she missed talking to me and she missed her best friend. And that it was too quiet in her head (her phone).

How can I confront this?

Since where I now live in Florida, there's lots of trees and signals barely come in and where she lives, the same with calls, so we just text. We text for four hours almost non-stop. FOUR FUCKING HOURS. We missed each other's company and the long talks we had when I lived with her in Georgia. We'd stay up half the night cuz we're both night owls and enjoy each other's company in the dark and moonlight.

I want this hole in my chest, GONE. I can't let her go. She can't let me go, so we're both stuck in limbo. A hot, heated fevered passionate turbulence. I keep torturing myself. I don't know why. Maybe cuz part of me misses her and keeps hanging on.

I did get my feelings sorted with her telling her that she lied to me. We both agreed that we were brutally honest and she told me to never to lie to her, but SHE LIED to me. Said I was mad for a minute, but I forgave her cuz she's human. And we're all human cuz we make mistakes. She says she's no one special, but I tend to disagree. She's special to me cuz she and her goofy ways make me incredibly happy. I can overlook all her faults, scars and shortcomings. I told her I tend not to have a conscience cuz having one makes me second guess myself so its better that I don't explore that venue.

For the next two hours, she went on talking that she's a horrible mother and wants to kill herself. I didn't take her seriously, of course, but I did tell her if she doesn't make an appointment to see a specialist and get her anxiety down, I'll report her ass.

I am doing other things besides being depressed and mulling over her, but when I stop to think for a minute, I get sucked in to being in the BACK with her again. We're both progressing whether we like it or not.

This Rhianna song describes me in limbo...

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