Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Kiss Me A Little Harder

I was laying in bed a few minutes ago reflecting on my life, being alone in this somewhat big house in the middle of the desert and one thought led to another and I started to think about Chad, my first love even before Jen.

He was all the love I could ever dream of being with, and that said, he's like the man I could spend my life for eternity. The only problem was me. I hurt him. I wasn't ready to commit to a long term relationship and I wasn't ready to settle down. I was stupid and every negative word I can come up with. I wonder what he's doing now.

I thought of how we met at one of Pensacola's many college bars. I was 22 and enjoying the time of my life before I decided to straighten up my life. Growing up in a family of mostly males except for me, Dad wanted a boy so he can have sons to run the ranch, but I came out instead, head-strong and bullheaded, much to my father's disappointment.


My mind keeps wandering. Sorry.

Chad. Sometimes I wonder what or how it would be like to have married him. He was a hard worker, kept mostly to himself except when around me or my friends, whom have said that "You guys make the perfect pair!" I screwed it up. I didn't want to be tied down and become a wife at 22. Chad was/is an old fashioned romantic like he'd bring me flowers when he came over. I was still staying with my parents on the ranch. And he'd open doors for me even if it was pouring rain, he'd think of me before himself.

And when we kissed, its like I was so in tuned with him. I literally saw stars! Fireworks! The whole shebang. He was my first love. And that thing they (ancestors) say about your first love that you never really get over them. Well, I'm at that point NOW.

And thinking about my life in this quiet old house.

In the desert.


I don't have anything planned today except go help this lady in her forties, dig up and plant some garden vegetables. She said she'll pay me $40 for an afternoon's worth of work. I see this as gas money and maybe take in a movie with Christina tonight. Zach's out of town in Prescott so Christina and I will have a girl's night out. I've stopped chasing her and just let her be my friend. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I feel somewhat depressed at the moment.

I need to get out of this slump. I think, maybe, I just miss someone to cuddle with or hang with. Something. Someone. Time to put all this behind and get ready for work. Need to stop by ACE Hardware and get some leather gloves because the lady said I will be digging holes and whatnot.

Doing something keeps me occupied from thinking too much about anybody.

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