No One Is to Blame

"And I want her, and she wants me
No one is to blame"

Lyrics off the Howard Jones song of the same name.

Maybe we went about it all wrong, both of us emotionally starved and then latching on to the closest person available. She thought I was her knight in shining armor. I said of her being the woman of my dreams come true. And we thought we were each other's prayers answered.

We have way too many issues of our own to move forward in this relationship/friendship. Sometimes its almost toxic, only to be dulled by fantastic sex. There has to be more meaning to this relationship than just that! I dream of her too much while she says that she romanticizes about me as much.

But love won't put food on the table or gas in the car. We're both financially strapped and on top of that, the kids need stuff that neither she or I can afford at the moment. I gotta get another fucking job or work two jobs to make ends meet. Everything's complicated when kids are involved.

She told me I was lucky since I never had any kids. She said, "they're so cute and adorable when they're young, but they'll stab you in the back when they get older".

I'm having fun with them for a minute. They mind me to an extent, but I can't fix the damage that's already been done to them by their father leaving them. Abandoning them. What man abandons his children? The kids just tell me things and how they feel.

I would never have kids if I knew I couldn't afford to feed or clothe them. Another expense I can't handle, but she does. She needs someone better than me who'll give her financial security. I'm her best friend and I'll always have her back no matter what, but I can't give her what she needs till I deal with my own demons.

And I Want To Know

Sometimes I wonder if I could live without her...maybe I can, but life would be empty not having her talk my ear off. I love listening to her even if for just the most mundane thing. I do know one thing though, she's a catalyst.

She's causes people to do things beyond their thinking. She made me look for the most insane jobs just to get income going. And I wanted to do it for her, if not for myself. My mind's been in a whirl as of late. Can't seem to get organized till last week. I started thinking about being rich and wealthy and that's what just kept cycling in my brain.

Not thinking too much of Switch, just trying to focus on myself. Sometimes I think I'm codependent...UGH

A Life Little Less Known

Sometimes I think I'm floundering...

I don't know what to do with my life. I've had 13 jobs since college and that looks bad on a work history. Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm doing with Switch. Sure she needs my help in getting her life organized, but what about me? WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT?!

I don't have a clue...

Its her son's birthday and the kid wanted his Mom and his Dad to have dinner together as much as Switch hates her ex husband. I don't really know what role I play in HER life, but maybe just being her best friend who will listen to her stories, gripes and life?

I don't know. Nothing. Anymore.

Sometimes love just ain't enough...cheesy song, but its a fact.

Junnoliek?

Like Salt on an Open Wound

Sometimes I think I've become needy and codependent on her. I read somewhere that "unconditional love is a disaster waiting to happen" cuz there's no boundaries.

:shock:

More thoughts on this later...

The Cannibal Eye

Its a dog-eat-dog out here. Too many people clamoring for the same job no matter how miniscule. Like cannibals, feeding on each other. I've been job hunting since February 10th, and nothing steady. Registered myself with three temp agencies and the jobs either close down or the shifts laid off. Tonight I'll start my "dry run" at UPS to see if I'll be able to handle the fast paced work environment.

The hiring manager said to all THREE of us that were present last Monday to watch the seven-minute video and "everything that's on there, multiply it times 50. This is a job that requires you being told what to do. If you don't like being told what to do, then this isn't for you. I like to tell people that because your supervisors will watch you closely for the first couple of weeks and then after that, you'll be on your own."

I don't care about all that; I'm not easily intimidated. I was in in the military and I was always being told what to do. The government OWNED my ass. I just need to get income going so I can make next month's car payment and insurance and hopefully, keep my phone turned on. I'm tired of surviving/barely surviving. Time to pull up my boot straps and dig in for a long-term goal: to be financially stable.

That's what I want.