Monday, June 1, 2015

Pure Sexual Energy

'Pure sexual energy'...those three words are what I describe my best friend..

I've never encountered anyone like her in my long life. I hate talking about sex cuz I have a strong addiction to it--mostly with her, and if I can't have it, then I'd rather not talk about it. My mind goes OFF--literally shuts down my consciousness and puts me in a brain fog.

I never knew this about myself till recently. It was like, I was thinking about her 24/10. She was becoming an addiction, an unhealthy obsession and I had to step back and check myself.

Why am I feeling this way?
Is this what our friendship is based on?
Do I objectify her?
When is the next time I'm gonna get some?
I need a fix!!

Yeah addiction. I've never thought of myself as addicted to anything and I don't have an addictive personality...but obviously, I do.

Scares me to depend on one person for my needs so much. I didn't want to use her. But I didn't know how to go about telling her  either cuz it might affect the great friendship that we have. We're not comfortable in our lives to start anything such as a relationship. At least, I'm not anywhere near comfortable in my life to put anyone through torture with my chaotic life. I know this about myself.

So yeah...I'm being self absorbed for this post. Doesn't happen often, but I know what I want. The thing is...I love her dearly yet I was obsessed with her at the same time, like what she was doing, what was going on in her life and how I could interject myself into her environment...and I was completely avoiding mine. And I began to wonder how I got here. How could I help someone with their life when I couldn't deal with mine. She was being an escape for me. TO ME.

I ww..............fuck. I had a thought and completely lost it.

Tomorrow is college testing, advisor meeting, and after, I'm gonna treat myself to the beach and get some natural healing energy of waves and sunshine...without stepping on dog shit.

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