Social Media Sucks

Social media angers me...sends my blood boiling. This is the only thing besides email that I have online and even then, I don't visit it much. The reason I say social media sucks is cuz so much is going wrong with the country that I'm overstimulated and overwhelmed. And it just seems like no one I know or have known, accepts my way of thinking or is of like-minded as myself. Not narcississtic, just want kindred. But I'm alone...again.

Oh well, time to make new friends.

09:08 Yesterday

Sam...no more.

No friendship, no nothing.

I'm DONE with her...she said not to even respond to her texts.

I don't know what the fuck has gotten into her...and at this point, I don't fucking care. Too much of an emotional rollercoaster even when she's on meds!

Talked to Cody--he's a recovering heroin addict. He was telling me of his life this afternoon and I just sat there, we sat by the Pit. Then I told him I was having a shitty day and then I told him of how Sam left me AGAIN. He said, "women are confusing cuz they interpret things way different than what you tell them." Then he went on to say, "just make yourself happy. Its all you can do"

I'm still planning on going to Iceland next summer! That's MY goal. Yeah I'm gonna plan a trip for myself to go to Iceland so in the mean time, I'm gonna bury myself in work and save money for an entire year. Yep, that'll make ME happy!

New Line of Work

Not really new line of work, but same field, different duties.

I get to drive around rich kids on their parents/ insurance to their AA/NA meetings, grocery shopping, the gym, get their nails done, and whatever else is in their schedule for the day. Same field, different job duties, is best as I can put it.

Rehab work.

Pays about four dollars more than what I was making at the group home. But yeah, I'm basically a cheuffeur like Sam said. Speaking of whom, IDKWTF is up with her. I'm not even gonna ponder or give it much thought. Tried calling her this morning, but she refused to answer my calls so fuck it. No crying over spilled milk for me. Just gonna concentrate on working and memorizing street names, addresses, and where meeting places are held at the beaches.

I never took a lunch today or even dinner. Barb said to take it whenever I can since we don't have breaks. Yeah well...I like spending my breaks at the beach listening to the waves or watching people play volleyball.

San Andreas

Sam and I mended our differences.

We saw "San Andreas" yesterday in Hiram. We thought it was a good movie, way better than "Avengers 2: Age of Ultron". The Avengers movie seemed like a re-run and although I liked seeing new characters like the Vision and Scarlet Witch, the whole plot didn't seem appealing to me.

But San Andreas, yeah that one topped Avengers, which was a disappointment to me. San Andreas is a natural disaster movie...kinda makes me think if California could really be ripped in half like that, barring all science-fiction stuff.

I enjoy being around Samantha. She makes me happy most of the time. I guess best friends get on each other's nerves sometimes, which is completely understandable.

Got the day off. Going to a blueberry farm in South Georgia. Ono gave me directions. Been craving blueberries. And its a deal--$2.50 a pound! AWW YEAH

I wanted to go to the Crime and Punishment museum in Ashburn, but Atlanta traffic ALWAYS SUCKS with delays for no reason and that cut into my time for exploring Georgia.

Pure Sexual Energy

'Pure sexual energy'...those three words are what I describe my best friend..

I've never encountered anyone like her in my long life. I hate talking about sex cuz I have a strong addiction to it--mostly with her, and if I can't have it, then I'd rather not talk about it. My mind goes OFF--literally shuts down my consciousness and puts me in a brain fog.

I never knew this about myself till recently. It was like, I was thinking about her 24/10. She was becoming an addiction, an unhealthy obsession and I had to step back and check myself.

Why am I feeling this way?
Is this what our friendship is based on?
Do I objectify her?
When is the next time I'm gonna get some?
I need a fix!!

Yeah addiction. I've never thought of myself as addicted to anything and I don't have an addictive personality...but obviously, I do.

Scares me to depend on one person for my needs so much. I didn't want to use her. But I didn't know how to go about telling her  either cuz it might affect the great friendship that we have. We're not comfortable in our lives to start anything such as a relationship. At least, I'm not anywhere near comfortable in my life to put anyone through torture with my chaotic life. I know this about myself.

So yeah...I'm being self absorbed for this post. Doesn't happen often, but I know what I want. The thing is...I love her dearly yet I was obsessed with her at the same time, like what she was doing, what was going on in her life and how I could interject myself into her environment...and I was completely avoiding mine. And I began to wonder how I got here. How could I help someone with their life when I couldn't deal with mine. She was being an escape for me. TO ME.

I ww..............fuck. I had a thought and completely lost it.

Tomorrow is college testing, advisor meeting, and after, I'm gonna treat myself to the beach and get some natural healing energy of waves and sunshine...without stepping on dog shit.

Stand

Seriously, I do love and care about you but this is best for us. We need to fix ourselves and rise to stand on our own. 831

Memorial Day 2015

I'll miss Samantha...

Worked a ten hour shift today...feet tired. Sore. But more my heart aches cuz my brain reasons.

Can't hang on to the past even though it had great memories.

Keep moving forward.

Lovers To Friends

I think I'll be single for a while.

Not really interested in dating or relationships anymore. Gonna be too busy once school starts.

So yeah...

And work offers unlimited overtime and is generous with days off. So I might explore the beaches...maybe look for a place to live ON THE BEACH. That'd be nice!

I still do miss her though. Having withdrawals from Georgia Peach. Ugh

---------------------------AND--------------------------
The dot com to this ended last Thursday. Google kept billing me on a non-existent card leftover from Voldemort days--I call my ex Voldemort cuz I hate saying her name for any reason.

2015

New Year 2015

And I'm comfortable with myself. I got a good job with unlimited overtime--most of that comes from being short staffed on a daily basis cuz they keep getting hurt from being clobbered by the patients. Not really, they just haven't had enough experience to be working in this field, or they don't know what they're doing when a restraint has to be done.

Myself, I'm avoiding getting hurt at all expense. Not getting hurt for shit.

#2) I have a good woman behind my back. And I love her to bits. She feels the same.

And that's it.

Happy New Year!

My Dark Goddess

I was randomly letting my brain go off on a tangent. A streaming brainstorm of adulation...

And I sent in my paperwork to the Department of Corrections. And waiting to test...not too keen on time limited testing. Ugh

"My Dark Goddess"

It shouldn't be a surprise but I've come to accept you and your self-deprecating rage, shocking me witless with your responsible, uninhibited and unpredictable nature, intangibly distant, yet soothing me with your exquisite emotional release of love and lust. You are seething with potential for getting what you want. You only need to realize this.

Moneywhore Mode

I'm feeling weird...

Even though I'm in moneywhore mode, I'm feeling unsatisfied. Being in this workaholic mode means I have to get my life on track to get what I want which isn't much. I want a place of my own, my car paid off, and a significant other. I thought I found her.

But I can't have her. She says I live so far away--what, six hours?

I still love her as immensely as when I met her almost two years ago.

And I also got another job offer to work in corrections. Not sure about this one, but I hear its great pay getting unlimited overtime and benefits. It'll be something more up my alley but in a prison. More dangerous types. Whatever. Work is work and as long as I'm doing something with my life, I'm happy.

But I just want the girl. She's intoxicating and addicting. Incredibly beautiful and sharp of wit. And it seems I want the girl before any of my other goals. "I need to stabilize my life before I can get the girl", I hear my logical side saying. But another voice tells me, "better hurry up with your other objectives before someone else gets the girl". So this part has me worried.

A battle of wits with myself...


Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving!

If The Mind Goes, The Body Follows...

Why are break ups so damn hard to deal with?

I was reading something about the feel good hormones of oxytocin and dopamine leaving when you're stressed out and the stress hormone, cortisol kicks in with the "fight or flight" process. Something, something. And then I started googling how to recover from a break up. Yeah, call me devastated but not so much as an emotional wreck like times past like the first time you said you were going back to Vader when your car broke down and I walked home in the rain. That was back in May. My flight response kicked in; I was only suppose to help Mark and Karen move that week, but you dropped the bomb on me with "going back to Vader" crap.

And it was five times after that when I was here in Florida that you brought me back in with your mood swings and I was so totally engrossed with you that I forgot my own self. I was engulfed in you and loving you with all my heart and what little resources I had that I took every chance I got, to drive to Georgia just to be with you. That's my fault but I wanted to be with you. I miss you so much. Yet, you seem to pick at my faults and went with it, like you what your alcoholic father did to you. If nothing seemed to make him happy, then nothing will make you happy. You have to do some soul searching yourself to make Sam happy.

For a while, you made me the happiest man on the planet, but you couldn't pull yourself out of the NEGATIVE VOID you dwelt in. I love you but I can't help you with that.

Mumbi said it cuz she's in a similar situation as ours: "You can't stop thinking about her because you love her so much that its primal. And if the sex is good, then you're stuck in this void where nothing seems to matter."

I asked Jason if he has friends he can talk to if he can't solve stuff or if he blogs about it. He said, "Everyone is my audience. I blog about everything and I vent about everything. I only keep the things inside that could be twisted about in court". Makes sense.

I blog about stuff that bothers me. It helps me sort things out. I always used to talk to you so I didn't blog much and didn't have a need to.

Gotta keep myself busy so I won't get stuck. Its so fucking hard to get over you sometimes.

I don't know how I'm going to get over you, but I will. I wanted us to be friends even after you divorce proceedings. But for now, the split is good for both of us. Its so hard, Sabrina told me that its going to take time. She was codependent with her best married friend and she knew him when she was 16. She had to cut off all communication with him to move on; she stopped seeing him when she was 36. It took her two years to start dating again. She said, "Every time I had a bad date, it made me think of going back to him". Now she has a guy who treats her right.

Yeah. I don't know how I'll get over you, but I will. My mind is muddled with constant thoughts of us together but I have to move on. If this post finds you and we're to cross paths in two years, you know how to find me and that promise to the Grand Canyon is still open. I'm definitely going to reward myself going there.

One more thing: it was a good relationship. You taught me a lot about myself. Thank you.

Take care of yourself, Sam.

831.

A Crackhead on Words

That's what I call myself...as I don't have a very high perception of myself at the moment.

And I have a lot of issues that I'm facing as they reveal themselves to me.
- Codependency
-Abandonment issues
- Imbalance of priorities
- Impulsiveness
- Insomnia
- Random intrusive thoughts
- Black and white thinking / this or that
- PTSD and all its symptoms

The codependency and the abandonment both stem from when I lost my friends in an engine room fire back in the Navy twenty-something years ago. I don't have the flashbacks anymore although I'm leery of small dark enclosed places, and the abandonment comes from trying to save a relationship. Any relationship cuz I don't want to be left alone. Close friends dying. And the relationship addiction of me consistently prioritizing the other person's needs over mine.

Why the fuck do I do this? Why can't she ever meet me halfway? Sure she has bills to pay, but I don't have a steady (temp agency for now) job yet I still manage to come see her, motel rooms and all that. How come I'm always doing the driving: first, across country, then across five hours of the Georgia gauntlet of cops waiting to give out tickets on I-75

Darla told me that "in a relationship, it takes two people to give, to put forth the effort of 100% to make it work. Without that, you're gonna be in a world of hurt". I'm just rambling right now. Trying to get my bearings in this shitty shituation.

Flogging the Blog

Sometimes I want to beat myself over the head with a stone mallet...maybe then I'll realize that I'm such a deprecating idiot and realize I'm amazed at my own stupidity.

......................................

Fuck it. I'm done talking about the past and this shit!

AARRGH

Feelz Good

My sister pointed that out to me as I was venting about Switch...

My family gets on my nerves bringing up all my faults and shortcomings with my past relationships. I tolerate their crap till they really get on my nerves then I set boundaries and tell them their own little flaws. Like my brother-in-law talking down to me in his usual condescending manner, then I set him straight. I didn't apologize for blocking him either. He just started talking to me again after twI days. But I explained it to him that he was being a dick and I didn't appreciate being talked to like a kid.

I MAY HAVE BEEN codependent in past relationships with women who needed me or with women who are obsessed with me, but I don't think I'm needy with her. I o realize this yesterday at 0200 AM when the melatonin failed to kick in. Nah, I don't think I'm needy at all...if anything, I'm emotionally attached  as she is with me. We talked for an hour before she went to work and yes, we still communicate after all our differences. She says, "You know, I think we are soul mates, and even without the sex, we'd still be talking or hanging out together. Don't stay apart from me too long. Our connection is intoxicating."

We both hate being apart from each other and since we can't do anything about it till we get our shit done, we decided to play a reward game: we get our goals crossed off and we reward ourselves with seeing each other in the other state. Yeah, that totally motivates me to get my issues resolved much faster.

I know I have my trust / commitment issues to work out and she knows this. She has plate full of crap too. I'm fucked up in the head but knowing that I'm not alone is fine by me. I can accept and live with this. For so many years, I thought I was alone. I finally have someone who has similar crap like me.

Yeah. I can live with myself now.

Gravity

I'm falling to Earth...to be grounded again.

I kinda like it. Sure it feels great to be in love, but its better to love yourself as hard as that seems sometimes. And sometimes, the one that you love may not be necessarily good for you. I know she is. She's a good person at heart; she's just bitter at her life and the way it turned out. She had a reality check last night and it made her realize that she's been selfish all this time with her thinking of killing herself. I've told her that a zillion times that suicide is a selfish act and why the fuck would she want her kids motherless? I'm glad she's come to this realization to stop wallowing in self pity. As her best friend, I can only be grateful for the person who woke her up from this negative loop.

She has a lot of issues to face as do I and I can't throw stones. I'm greatly flawed myself. And I can't help others if I can't help myself...so gravitating to earth is grounding me.

Gravity...it feels great to be ALIVE on earth again. Even though I'll miss her, I feel happy that we didn't burn bridges. I'll feel even better when she's happier, healthier, and whole again. That's all I can hope for.

Namaste, Sam.

Live well. 831

Borderline Personality Disorder

Its really hard being in a relationship/friendship since she's ALWAYS stressed out and insecure of herself. I've been researching BPD and she definitely has a lot of the symptoms:

• suicidal ideation
• feelings of emptiness and abandonment when I'm not around
• high stress levels
• clinical depression
• severe mood swings and anxiety

I don't know what else to do but comfort her over the phone. But most of the time, that's not enough. I told her to go see a doctor, but she refuses and gives me the excuse that she "doesn't have the money" blah blah blah. Told her that the stress is gonna age her and kill her. Sometimes I think that's what she wants. She complains her job sucks and I told her to dress up her resume and look for another job. She procrastinates and has a loss of time--she has trouble focusing, concentrating on daily tasks like paying bills. 

I've repeatedly told her that I'm her friend to the end like the urbandictionary definition of  "Friends: people who are aware of how retarded you are and yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

I absolutely hate seeing her this way. It drains me too. Its not healthy for me either. I've never been with a borderline so this is all new to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am borderline myself since I text bombed her phone all worried about her hiatus from the phone and internet, and worrying about her made me send her five emails. And even though I've realized that love makes me do stupid shit, common sense prevails and tells me this is a toxic relationship. I'm torn between emotion and reasoning...

Ugh.

Policy of Truth

WE operate on a policy of truth.

As long as we know its the truth that we can see, then it is so. We fought for what seems like weeks when it was all a misunderstanding. She went off the deep end on what I said and she couldn't control her emotions, going off on a tangent. We're still so emotionally attached to each other that its just impossible to deny it, if anything. Can't label or categorize it but just as best friends; friendship.

She couldn't understand the meaning of "friend". And I was curious on what it actually meant. For the longest time, she's been disgusted with that word. I liked the urbandictionary definition: "friends--people who are aware of how retarded you are, yet still manage to be seen with you in public".

Yeah, that sums it up. I know we're both retarded--socially inept adults, in a complex relationship with emotional benefits. As Perry Como said, "if I had you, could I ever want for more? Its just impossible!"

831

Remember back in the day before the advent of cellphones, in high school I had a beeper.

Yes, I'm that old.

My friends and I would come up with ways to say words without actually typing them in. With beepers, you couldn't anyway. Beepers just gave out numbers. So if my Mom wanted me to call her after I got home, she would leave me the number she was calling from on my beeper. Mine was dark green and also gave me the time and date. A friend had a beeper in the shape of a car; mine wasn't that extravagant. Just a boxy green one.

My favorite number I still use today in text is 831: means EIGHT letters, THREE words, ONE meaning. I told Sam about that one time and she didn't know what that meant. She did remember having a beeper. When she found out, she was delighted...like she learned something new.

She called me last night for the first time in a week.

831

Letting Her Go

Thank you for giving me the closure that I needed.

Be safe and have a good life.

----------------------------------------------
Yeah. I can finally let you go and move on.
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Read somewhere that "intense interpersonal relationships are short and don't last long." Was that what we had? I'm reflecting now. The longest one lasting for me consecutively was Sam at a year and two months.