09:08 Yesterday

Sam...no more.

No friendship, no nothing.

I'm DONE with her...she said not to even respond to her texts.

I don't know what the fuck has gotten into her...and at this point, I don't fucking care. Too much of an emotional rollercoaster even when she's on meds!

Talked to Cody--he's a recovering heroin addict. He was telling me of his life this afternoon and I just sat there, we sat by the Pit. Then I told him I was having a shitty day and then I told him of how Sam left me AGAIN. He said, "women are confusing cuz they interpret things way different than what you tell them." Then he went on to say, "just make yourself happy. Its all you can do"

I'm still planning on going to Iceland next summer! That's MY goal. Yeah I'm gonna plan a trip for myself to go to Iceland so in the mean time, I'm gonna bury myself in work and save money for an entire year. Yep, that'll make ME happy!

Pure Sexual Energy

'Pure sexual energy'...those three words are what I describe my best friend..

I've never encountered anyone like her in my long life. I hate talking about sex cuz I have a strong addiction to it--mostly with her, and if I can't have it, then I'd rather not talk about it. My mind goes OFF--literally shuts down my consciousness and puts me in a brain fog.

I never knew this about myself till recently. It was like, I was thinking about her 24/10. She was becoming an addiction, an unhealthy obsession and I had to step back and check myself.

Why am I feeling this way?
Is this what our friendship is based on?
Do I objectify her?
When is the next time I'm gonna get some?
I need a fix!!

Yeah addiction. I've never thought of myself as addicted to anything and I don't have an addictive personality...but obviously, I do.

Scares me to depend on one person for my needs so much. I didn't want to use her. But I didn't know how to go about telling her  either cuz it might affect the great friendship that we have. We're not comfortable in our lives to start anything such as a relationship. At least, I'm not anywhere near comfortable in my life to put anyone through torture with my chaotic life. I know this about myself.

So yeah...I'm being self absorbed for this post. Doesn't happen often, but I know what I want. The thing is...I love her dearly yet I was obsessed with her at the same time, like what she was doing, what was going on in her life and how I could interject myself into her environment...and I was completely avoiding mine. And I began to wonder how I got here. How could I help someone with their life when I couldn't deal with mine. She was being an escape for me. TO ME.

I ww..............fuck. I had a thought and completely lost it.

Tomorrow is college testing, advisor meeting, and after, I'm gonna treat myself to the beach and get some natural healing energy of waves and sunshine...without stepping on dog shit.

Flogging the Blog

Sometimes I want to beat myself over the head with a stone mallet...maybe then I'll realize that I'm such a deprecating idiot and realize I'm amazed at my own stupidity.

......................................

Fuck it. I'm done talking about the past and this shit!

AARRGH

Letting Her Go

Thank you for giving me the closure that I needed.

Be safe and have a good life.

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Yeah. I can finally let you go and move on.
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Read somewhere that "intense interpersonal relationships are short and don't last long." Was that what we had? I'm reflecting now. The longest one lasting for me consecutively was Sam at a year and two months.

Flesh Wounds

"There is an ocean between us. WHY??????"

The ocean you created? I just wanted to vent to you but you took it the wrong way and got offended. Went off the deep end and told me I wasn't good enough for you. And then when I called you out on your head game of manipulating me to move down there for you--even though I made my mind to be there AFTER Christmas cuz of snow and ice and wanting to be with my family, you said that you're going to spend the holidays alone. Purely selfish act. Give up my family and life for you.

And when you told me I wasn't good enough for you, and I tell you why that bothered and irritated me, you go on this evangelical tirade that I should "succeed and fly like an eagle cuz that would mean I had a good and positive influence on you."

What. The. Fuck. Was. That. About...

Was it the ocean that you've just created?

I've fallen deep and hard for you and then when you tell me you're online dating to meet other men, I'm even more disgusted and hurt. You weren't really focusing on school because you were wanting to replace me. I really don't know what the hell is going on in your mind now. Called me blind-sided and confused.

Then when I saw your email today saying, "I miss you horribly." There's no justification in what you've said previously. What is going on with you? I understand your loneliness but you've blew me completely out in left field.

Moving on is hard. And difficult. And you know how to illicit a response from me so its hard for me to ignore you. I'll get better. I won't check my phone or email so much. Fresh wounds and I'm tired of getting them reopened by you.

I promise I won't get so blinded and blind-sided by your love any more. Rough seas ahead...

I miss you so bad

Her words were erratic yesterday, so were her moods. She said she was having bad mood swings and she needed to be on an antidepressant or something. Then I callHed her on the phone and she laid it out to me: "You're so perfect for me in every way, but you can't support or take care of me. I'm becoming selfish and I don't want to be and I miss you so fucking bad. Before, I thought it was all for the kids, but now its all about me and what I want".

Um wow.

I sent a few more texts then I stopped. Her service with T-Mobile sucks. They're not living up to their name. I told her that we're friends first and foremost. She said that she's going to use her in-laws to go to school and make some money for herself. She says she might lose me in the process.

Hmm. Whatever it takes to have a better life for yourself.

I don't know what to say except I'm done.

Georgia On My Mind

Spent the last three days in Georgia cuz I felt I needed closure. I told her I needed to pick up the stuff I left cuz they had sentimental  alive; an old DeWalt radio and a camp stove, but she knew the real reason. She saw right through my fascade. She's not stupid--far from it. I admitted guilt. I HAD to see her again.

Kinda funny though...we felt the same towards each other, yet she told me that "We're at a place in our lives that we can't be together. We have too much shit to do. You have to work on your fears and I have to restructure my dismal future. When we're together, we act like an old married couple. We're complacent and we never get anything done".

True.

When we weren't eating or doing errands, we were naked or partially clothed OR just naked in bed. Yep. Pretty much sums it up. Even though her dreams were shattered to the core--every single one of them, she's a wild spirit to the core. We are a perfect match for each other--I can honestly say that without a doubt; just hard to contain us in words, label us in any category. I seem to be the calm one of the two. Weird how I can admit to that.

I feel much better now...

How I Annoy Myself...

I just sent a whole slew of texts to the wrong person...

Yes I'm delusional at the moment. For sure.

Where Do We Go From Here

I know where I'm going...I'm not gonna end up worrying about her and how she affects me in a negative way by breaking my heart over and . over again.

I was actually very productive today: made Dad's appointments and follow-ups, picked up his meds, applied for three online positions at Baptist hospital, got chlorine jugs for the damn pool--its becoming more of a headache to maintain than to be fun, got a water report on it, watched the baby for an hour or two, did some yard work which I HATE cuz sweating in this Florida heat blows. And a bunch of other stuff. Was busy all day from the time I ate breakfast to around seven thirty tonight.

Yeah, I'm not gonna dwell on Switch, did text her grown daughter that I was worried about her. Her daughter and I never got along well when I lived in Georgia; we chatted but nothing with substance. Like "Hi Shannon, bye Shannon". Stuff like that. Shannon did cockblock me once. I like the 24 year old blond airhead, but that's it. She disrespects hs er mom, Sam, which is something I can't stand so I just avoid that little shit so I won't have the urge to trip her down the stairs or something heinous.

Mark said I should brainstorm on what I like to do and use that criteria on finding the job that I want: never thought of that. I like to do a lot of things, mostly physical. I know I like helping people in crisis, but then I have the personality of a stone face, a blockhead. And I can laugh at myself and at you without making it so obvious.

I also like working on engines, painting, building shelves, mowing the yard, cooking, talking to people and listening to what they have to say and listening to their stories. Stuff. Right now, I'm trying not to think about Switch uch cuz I know I'll flounder and lose my ground. I mean, she's still my friend...at a distance cuz that's all I can stand of her at the moment. She's got way too many issues and I don't want her to drag me down and make me feel guilty of the way I'm feeling.

Yeah...keep myself busy. That's the ticket. I still miss her though, holding and touching her skin, listening to her talk in that Georgia peach Southern accent of hers. WOO!! Shut that door!!

Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

I was reassessing myself and why I get into these unhealthy relationships. Sam said I'm the epitome of fear--"which is why you can't commit to anyone". I think that's a wrong assumption. The reason I can't commit to anyone is cuz no one has made it pass my criteria of being in a relationship with me two years. That's all I ask. Two years. I've seen and met people stay together longer than that.

The reason Sam and I split is she grew a conscience and wasn't ready to be on a relationship. Rather, her mind and overwhelming guilt wouldn't allow her to have a clear mind to love forward with her life. I can't blame her though. If she's not ready to give up the bullshit, then she's not ready to get out of the rut and stay in the groove of misery where she likes it in her little world. I could have given her so much of myself, but as I'm learning, unconditional love like I've told her to expect from me, HAS to be conditional with boundaries and deal-breakers. Unconditional love only exists between family members, not for those romantically involved, and even that, wanes.

Romantic love is fleeting and temporary. I think we were a match made in lust, passion, and fear. Fear of being alone. I'm not giving her excuses nor slack. I just wished I could've kissed her hard before I left...like in those old black and white films such as "From Here To Eternity".

All along its been a fever

I can't move on. I'm still too strongly attached to her.

I couldn't sleep last night so I logged on to the net to do some job hunting. When I came back to bed, I saw there were 15 messages on my phone. I thought they were from various people that I've been talking to about the break up. They were all from Sam. She said she missed talking to me and she missed her best friend. And that it was too quiet in her head (her phone).

How can I confront this?

Since where I now live in Florida, there's lots of trees and signals barely come in and where she lives, the same with calls, so we just text. We text for four hours almost non-stop. FOUR FUCKING HOURS. We missed each other's company and the long talks we had when I lived with her in Georgia. We'd stay up half the night cuz we're both night owls and enjoy each other's company in the dark and moonlight.

I want this hole in my chest, GONE. I can't let her go. She can't let me go, so we're both stuck in limbo. A hot, heated fevered passionate turbulence. I keep torturing myself. I don't know why. Maybe cuz part of me misses her and keeps hanging on.

I did get my feelings sorted with her telling her that she lied to me. We both agreed that we were brutally honest and she told me to never to lie to her, but SHE LIED to me. Said I was mad for a minute, but I forgave her cuz she's human. And we're all human cuz we make mistakes. She says she's no one special, but I tend to disagree. She's special to me cuz she and her goofy ways make me incredibly happy. I can overlook all her faults, scars and shortcomings. I told her I tend not to have a conscience cuz having one makes me second guess myself so its better that I don't explore that venue.

For the next two hours, she went on talking that she's a horrible mother and wants to kill herself. I didn't take her seriously, of course, but I did tell her if she doesn't make an appointment to see a specialist and get her anxiety down, I'll report her ass.

I am doing other things besides being depressed and mulling over her, but when I stop to think for a minute, I get sucked in to being in the BACK with her again. We're both progressing whether we like it or not.

This Rhianna song describes me in limbo...

Lovers to Friends

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end?

We decided to end all communication with each other yesterday. I called her before she went to work and told her I'd give her space. I think we both just needed space and time to heal. We both have a lot of crap going on and being there emotionally clouds everything up; does more harm than good when you're both reeling from an emotional break up that's beyond either of us can control. This gives me time to think about my own unhealthy relationship issues--I was never good at having one last two years. Samantha/Switch and I were together for a year, then she went south in a bad way. She seemed to want me to fix her issues but I couldn't.

I can't. I have my own to deal with. Gotta make myself happy before I can help anyone else to be objective enough to do it. Can't let my emotions cloud my judgement. Moving on is torture. I have to do this. Or I'll never move on and be stuck in limbo.

I miss her though. Yeah...my Memorial Day...