Social Media Sucks

Social media angers me...sends my blood boiling. This is the only thing besides email that I have online and even then, I don't visit it much. The reason I say social media sucks is cuz so much is going wrong with the country that I'm overstimulated and overwhelmed. And it just seems like no one I know or have known, accepts my way of thinking or is of like-minded as myself. Not narcississtic, just want kindred. But I'm alone...again.

Oh well, time to make new friends.

11-13-2015

Friday the 13th...

Coordinated attacks on French citizens on a Friday night by terrorists leaving 129 dead with over 300 injured, 99 in critical condition.

Fucking Muslim bastards...

And I remembered President Obama saying on Thursday that "ISIS is contained"...why the fuck would he say that when there wasn't a strong US presence in Syria anyway? I think he thinks that he's an arrogant Roman emperor trying to appease the masses when there's Gauls looming over the horizon.

And we know how that turned out...Obama--quite possibly the WORST president in US history!

FaceTime

I never liked this Apple app till recently. I messed around with it with my niece cuz she said it was "cool". She takes videos of herself to upload to facebook, another great evil.

But then I tried it out and its as she said, really "cool".

On the downside of things, it cost $384.09 to get a Florida plate today. Thanks for ass raping me, Sunshine State.I would've loved to see MY facial expressions on FaceTime, seeing that heart-attack inducing fee.

A Sure Thing

I'm not a gambler nor do I make hasty decisions when it comes to making money.

So when a buddy of mine tells me about the Gulf War and Iraqi oil and events surrounding and leading up to Iraq having trillions of oil money laying about, I was skeptical. Tells me I should invest in the dinar cuz its gonna be revalued blah blah blah.

I take it with a grain of barley oats cuz it sounds too good to be true and more of a conspiracy to revalue the Iraqi dinar. How come I've never heard of this pyramid scheme? That's what my doubting mind calls it...but I'm uncertain so I'll put a few bucks in.

TIme...it flies!

I'm no longer the strapping young lad I was once. Back in the eighties, I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything and anything I could possibly do before I reach 30. And I did. Then my bucket list involved traveling overseas by myself, getting a new car, road tripping cross country, finding the woman of my dreams and starting a family. I did everything except start the family mainly cuz I saw how my siblings' marriages came and went and I realized I didn't want to go through all that headache of divorce and child support and raising kids and blah blah blah.

I've condemned myself to eternal bachelorhood. Singleness. Its not bad yet its not good either. Limbo.

And then there's Switchblade, the woman of my dreams. The woman of many firsts. I'm experiencing what it truly means to be in love with someone other than myself, for the first time. And at the same time, not being codependent as I was in relationships past. Actually feels good. At least now, I have a companion, a best friend to share things with. Yeah. I'm happy!

And I'm working in psych again. I know I've dissed it in the past, but compared to the numerous non-medical jobs I've had, I actually do like this field. Glorified babysitter/bouncer.

And on top of it all, I have a job that I enjoy and gives me unlimited overtime. The having no job for the first six months of the year, was severely stressing me to where I became depressed and anxiety manifested its ugly face in which I was holding down low-paying, unsatisfying jobs. This is not me.

Now fast forward to present time...
-- keep stress levels to a minimum
-- remove caffeine and sugar from my diet
-- no excessively salty foods
-- exercise more
-- avoid injuries to myself from job-related incidents
-- go to nursing school

I've turned my life around for the better. Yeah. I'm boring and I love it! So to keep this forward momentum going, I've decided to go to RN school...taking one class per semester to finish pre-reqs.

New Job

Yeah. I got a new job.

I dunno if you call the pay decent, but hey, I'm not complaining. In my first pay period (I don't count the two weeks of training), I had six hours overtime. Next pay period, I'll have over twenty hours of overtime. So yeah, I'm not complaining much.

And the APCs never go by what the schedule says: they add themselves on, but then call out at the last minute. APCs--assistant program coordinators--two women who dress inappropriately. Bothers me cuz one of them is a buxom blond midget (5'1) who's junk is hanging out when she wears skimpy clothes. And according to policy, employees are to wear closed-toed shoes; the APCs wear flip flops. How come they get away with that and we don't?

I'm not questioning but being a drone worker ant in the meantime.

Gotta keep my mouth shut. So I blog. Here. :D

Uncertain Waters

I got a job offer to work in a psych hospital in a desolate part of the state and I'm uncertain about it. Once bitten, twice shy. Its a great opportunity but its three hours from where my family lives. And I won't be able to Finley and Drew on a frequent basis. Drew--he just turned two and warmed up to me today. It was awesome!

The job would be perfect for me to get out of the financial slump I'm having to survive on a daily basis, plus its a state employment. The pay is decent and much more than being a retail slave. Decisions, decisions...

For the first time since high school, I'm on the lowest end of the income bracket, not an accomplishment that I'm proud of, but hey. I got a job and that's all that matters. A friend told me I should file for disability from having diagnosed with PTSD, but that would mean me not working (as I'm a money whore) and sitting on my ass getting fat. No thanks. I'd rather work for my money instead of having someone give it to me. Unless its friends or family, I trust no one to give me anything cuz there's always a price or condition.

I don't have reliable Internet so these posts are a hit and run.

Isolation is the oxygen mask your children breathe in to survive

Internet has been sucking balls lately so I haven't been posting as much as Shannon. Two jobs: one at a paper mill and the other at Wally World. Yeah I don't have much time for blogging most days cuz I'm either sleeping or working. And that drains me quite a bit.

And all this time, I've been trying to gain weight. I'm a shadow of my former self. I used to weigh in at 182 lbs. and now I'm down to 168! I've never weighed this less! And working two jobs is taxing on my body. Granted, I can now fit into my clothes from three years ago and those were the tight ones, but I've also had to buy smaller pants sizes as well as shirts.

And I dumped my girlfriend. It was mutual maybe, but more so that I initiated the dumping. She got on my nerves with her neediness and always wanting to know where I am when she clearly knew where I was. And what pissed me off MOST about her, is that I kept asking her to get a fucking job cuz "we're in a strained relationship, spending money I don't have, and you're on your ass at home wanting to go places. I can't wine and dine you all the damn time". She tried once or twice, but fucked it up saying she's on disability with mental illness, some butt ass reason, which equals another LIE to me. I can understand the mental illness part, but using it as a crutch not to get a job? Hell, I have hostile oppositional antisocial tendancies, but at least I get a job so I won't dwell on self loathing. She may have been valedictorian in her high school, but she's accustomed to being lazy and knows how to manipulate people to enable her into being a couch potato...which she clearly is.

I think I'm destined to be a loner lone wolf. Meh, I don't care. I don't have time for relationships anyway. Working too much.

That's my take on life as of late.

~toasterface

Street Legal Again!

Hell yeah! I got my license back! After three months of driving around paranoid, I went into the tag agency and got a duplicate license.

Took me three months to get enough money to pay for a ticket that I got in 2010, and then the long waiting on the phone for the Arizona DMV to tell me that my record is cleared, paying them a reinstatement of which the clerk told me to wait another three days for it to update in the database.

Ppfft. I couldn't wait three freaking days so I went in a tag agency on the Expressway and applied for it. The clerk started typing away so I knew I might have one in my grubby hands soon. She then told me to take off my glasses and look at the blue dot. "What blue d--" BAM! She took my picture and all I could see was NOTHING cuz of the flash.

I filled out some paperwork and when we walked out of the tag agency, the first thing I said to Jeni, was "HELL TO THE FUCKING YEAH!!"

Anything For A Buck

I couldn't think of an appropriate title for anything as I haven't blogged on here in A WHILE.

I'm really not looking forward to Black Friday and the ungodly amounts of people going to Walmart creating asses of themselves just to get a cheap sale. But then again, its the franchise's and other businesses who are to blame for spurning on the mass consumerism. Anything for a buck.

Don't get me wrong, I like  my job as I'm lucky to at least have a job, but I become more disillusioned with THINGS a little every day, further stifling my need to have more THINGS. In the end, when I die, I won't be able to take them with me. Just whatever I have, if that at all.

I looked on my schedule and I'm supposed to work a twelve hour shift on Thursday and I've heard assistant managers say of having different "blitz item" sales at midnight, 0200 and 0500. I've never been awake long enough to participate in a Black Friday event and reluctantly, I'm going to experience it this week. Yahoo.

"Military Grade"

I always wondered what that meant. Is it different from other types of grades like civilian grade or construction grade? Must be.

My brother recently inherited 500 rounds of shotgun ammo and he called me over to see if I wanted to go to the gun range with him. I wasn't doing anything productive on my day off so why not? After a few rounds, my shoulder was hurting. Then I inserted a Magnum round. NEVER AGAIN. The reason why its called a "Magnum" round is cuz the shell casing has more gunpowder in it, thereby, making the pellets go up to 1600 feet per second! And in the process, high recoil. We arrived home two hours later and he calls me over to his office which he's turned into his home armory.

He shows me a box of  "Military Grade 12 gauge .00 Buckshot".

What's that mean?

Military grade?

Yeah.

Means 9 pellets coming at you at 1200 fps. Its from the military and its sold at Walmart. Just think, the military uses shotguns. Do you think they're shooting deer? No. Military grade means the intruder is bleeding from nine holes. I use these for home defense. I mean, bird shot is great too, but these are better.

Mmhmm.

My brother shows me his stash and gives a box to me. I have about 900 rounds of shotgun ammo. I don't think I need any more.

Therapy

I started seeing a counselor/therapist for my PTSD.

Last week's session was rather enlightening; she made me think in a different light cuz I couldn't get why I was so irritable, impulsive, somewhat always in a grumpy mood and if anyone said or nagged on me, I'd just go off like a spring.

Actually, I have to go see one cuz of work. People were noticing that I was in these weird mood swings on top of the PTSD. I dunno. I just needed to seek professional help cuz I felt like I was in limbo. And when I would stress out, I'd go to the gun range: just to be around noise with the energy flowing through me from the sound and vibrations of the firearms, for an hour I was relaxed. But even then, I didn't feel right. Kinda mucky. BLAH. Like I was about to vomit whatever my brain was focused on. Like this one time, I had the target in my sights, but I was thinking of camels crossing the desert being chased by Jenny McCarthy.

I could clearly see the target but my mind was a billion miles away and at the gun range, I wasn't too into it. I just wanted to sleep. I guess that was part of the depression sinking in--being tired and sleeping a lot. Had a nIasty break up and I was devastated from it cuz the assclown didn't have any respect for me. Whatever. I don't care about her anymore. For the most part, I ignore her at work. She tries to be friendly, but meh.

Being friends with her now isn't a good idea.

So I'm dealing. The therapist asked me if I wanted to harm myself or others. I replied, "No way. I love myself. And I don't want to hurt anyone else." I maybe a wee bit off--break ups can do that to anyone, and pile depression on top of it. I was mostly lethargic and lazy.

And Jenny McCarthy and her camels didn't help either.

Tales From the Cuckoo's Nest

As soon as I was on the floor, I got report yesterday and I had the run down on what the patients did for the day side. One note I found interesting, if hilarious. A patient was detoxing and he was sitting at a table with his peers during lunch. He suddenly got sick and vomited on his tray. He got up to put his tray up but stopped at another table to vomit on his peer's food. Then again at another table.

Crop dusting via vomitus.

Yeah. It WAS funny at the time. Still is.

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There's this male RN who likes to "crop dust" in the nurses' station. This means he farts behind on nurse and moves on to another until he's done his business with all the staff. Then he moves on to the nurses in the Med room, which is a small confined area. 

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This guy was on the phone talking to his girlfriend. A patient comes up to the coffee counter, gets two empty plastic coffee pots and in each hand, smacks the guy on his head with them. The phone guy was completely off guard. The female patient then yells, "Stop stealing my flowers you sick bastard!" The man looks up at the woman, drops the phone, and punches the woman in the face.

The patients who were watching tv, clear the room. None of the staff move in to restrain the guy, who goes promptly back to talking to his girlfriend. The woman fell hard on the concrete floor. She never messed with anyone using the phone again. This was kind of hilarious too. Usually, I'd drop a patient for punching people, but this was a completely unprovoked incident. The woman suffered no external wounds except maybe a fat lip.

Everybody feels PAIN and crazy people know that they can get hurt. I have to find humor in human tragedy lest I go crazy myself.

Blogs and Egg Sandwiches

This is a rather old laptop and its gone through a lot of crap. The most recent was the battery burnt out cuz I left it plugged in 24/10. For all intents and purposes, this laptop has no battery so I keep it plugged into the wall 24/10.

I was going through all my friends' blogs and even my old ones from xanga that I still remember. I know cuz I had a rather unique name: crackbabyjezus. I like the fact that google has archived everything for quicker searches.

Other key words I can find my blogs would be: shituation, arsegoblin, mayhemgolgotha, morally corrupted, spiderwitch, witchblaze (my ex, Angela tagged me under her screen name).As far as avatars go, I usually have the evil toasterface or the black and white MS Paint rendering of myself, arsegoblin.

I first saw that word on bolt.com way back in 2002 on the Random Thoughts message board. I know its from 2002 cuz I screen capped it and the time stamps was from that year. Someone had actually coined it as two separate words, but I went a step further and just made it all one word. Now I'm eating an egg sandwich, slightly burned cuz I was blogging and cooking at the same time which is a bad combination.

Had to turn on the stove fan to keep the smoke from rising to the fire alarm.

Right.

An Interesting Morning

After waking up this morning, I immediately went downstairs to look for my old phone and do some dishes. Charlotte came down a few minutes later cuz she rarely sleeps whenever I'm not in bed. She'll follow me downstairs or wherever I'm at to see what I'm doing and just to check up on me. After we had an impromptu love-making, she told me to put pillows behind her back and had her hips elevated.

Dottie said that if I want to get pregnant, to not wash or pee for about fifteen minutes and keep my hips elevated.

What're you doing listening to Dottie, anyway? I thought you hated her?

 Well obviously she has three kids so she must know about getting pregnant.

I propped Charlotte's legs up with mine pushing against her thighs ... so it was a weird position to be in. Then I stood up, with her legs firmly pressed and held against my chest. On the bed. As we're both laughing.

I had off these past two days. Was asked to come in, but I turned Robert down. I'm not bending over backwards for that backstabbing assclown.

They're Here

I'm a skeptic about the supernatural as much as the next person, but I don't know anymore.

Last night, I was in a deep sleep; a nightmare. I dreamt I was on a boat with no oars, in the night, on a peaceful lake with the moon out and the stars shining. All of a sudden, the boat started rocking violently. I grasped the sides. And I woke up to a noise of a SLAP / FLAP on the wall. A dvd from the middle of the stack of dvds had flown (?) out of the metal shelf of dvds and on to the floor.

I picked up the dvd to check out which one exactly: the title read, "The King Is Alive". Its a B-movie about seven stranded travelers in the African desert, putting on a play to pass time away before they are rescued.

Does this coincide with the little girls I'm seeing and the voices I hear in my head?