A Crackhead on Words

That's what I call myself...as I don't have a very high perception of myself at the moment.

And I have a lot of issues that I'm facing as they reveal themselves to me.
- Codependency
-Abandonment issues
- Imbalance of priorities
- Impulsiveness
- Insomnia
- Random intrusive thoughts
- Black and white thinking / this or that
- PTSD and all its symptoms

The codependency and the abandonment both stem from when I lost my friends in an engine room fire back in the Navy twenty-something years ago. I don't have the flashbacks anymore although I'm leery of small dark enclosed places, and the abandonment comes from trying to save a relationship. Any relationship cuz I don't want to be left alone. Close friends dying. And the relationship addiction of me consistently prioritizing the other person's needs over mine.

Why the fuck do I do this? Why can't she ever meet me halfway? Sure she has bills to pay, but I don't have a steady (temp agency for now) job yet I still manage to come see her, motel rooms and all that. How come I'm always doing the driving: first, across country, then across five hours of the Georgia gauntlet of cops waiting to give out tickets on I-75

Darla told me that "in a relationship, it takes two people to give, to put forth the effort of 100% to make it work. Without that, you're gonna be in a world of hurt". I'm just rambling right now. Trying to get my bearings in this shitty shituation.

Thoughts on Doomsday

I have to go to work in an hour. The acuity on the unit is high. Not looking forward to that, but I'll survive. We have a new Director and a new Manager and they are people who have moved up the ranks to get to the positions they have gotten. This might as well be Shannon's blog as I really don't have much time to post as I work too much overtime.

I was thinking about my tattoos. And one thought led to another and the movie, "Doomsday" popped into my head along with friends, Kim and Jessica. After seeing that film, I was at one time, obsessed about having a face tattoo like "Viper", one of the characters in the post apocalyptic flick. If it weren't for job restrictions, I'd have a lightning bolt inked down my right eye.

This is Viper:

Insanity

In an impulsive act, I ordered the Insanity! workout series.

Just did the Fitness Test which is the first dvd of ten. Yep. I'm asking for an early death as I'm completely drenched in sweat. Tomorrow will be worse.

Help.


Yeeep.

Andrea

I have this friend that I miss more than others. Andrea. She's a cattle rancher who works with her Dad in Washington but also have lots of land in Idaho. This morning she text me that she was going to build more fence in Weippe. Last time I saw her, she had scars up and down her arms from fence building. She's a rugged farm girl with all heart; maybe that's why I miss her so much.

Hmm. I get sentimental sometimes. After I'm done with nursing school, I plan to go see her again. That's the current state of affairs anyway.