Social Media Sucks

Social media angers me...sends my blood boiling. This is the only thing besides email that I have online and even then, I don't visit it much. The reason I say social media sucks is cuz so much is going wrong with the country that I'm overstimulated and overwhelmed. And it just seems like no one I know or have known, accepts my way of thinking or is of like-minded as myself. Not narcississtic, just want kindred. But I'm alone...again.

Oh well, time to make new friends.

Kimberlee

Got my new Glock 43 out of layaway today!! WOOHOO!!

And I got an extra mag and a new holster for it. Sent out for my concealed carry permit so in about eight weeks, I can carry. First thing's first: PRACTICE. PRACTICE. PRACTICE. Since I don't know anything about the gun ranges here, I just googled for the one closest in my area and its 18 minutes away.

My Glock 43 is a single stack 9mm with 7+1 with a three inch barrel. The box came with:

• the plastic box
• a cable lock
• a speed loader
• two magazines
• the semi-automatic handgun
• miscellaneous papers

And I bought an extra mag and black leather holster for it. YEAH. I'M HAPPY!!

Next purchase is a Glock 19 which I put on layaway too. These are part of my Home Defense Plan. 

Women...lots of pretty women!

Def Leppard -- "WOMEN"

________________________________________________________________

Laci. Erin. Piper. Maureen. Kelly. Sarah. Lynette.....

I'm not even looking for any dates, hookups, whatever the term of the day is, but they just seem to be calling me or texting. And they're hot coworkers. I made a vow to "never dip my pen in company ink" but I might have to make an exception...seriously thinking about it. 

Laci and Erin gave me a cut-out picture from a magazine and it had this brown-skinned Hawaiian dude in shorts with his hair sticking up like mine. And I was like "What the..."
Erin: "you reminded me of this guy."
Me: "Seriously? I'm not that muscular or young"
Erin: Yeah but you're hot as fuck"
Me: "Uh...I wouldn't say I'm all that"
Lacii: "Yeah you are, that's why I cut it out because he reminds me of you"
Me: "OK....whatever"

NOTES:
Laci: cute, slender, short-haired brunette, 28
Erin: 5'7 140-150 lbs, blond, divorced mother of two, 34
Piper: athletic, young 20something
Maureen: long brown-haired Native American 29
Lynette: luscious single black woman, 44, two grown kids

During a short break, Lynette and I were talking and I was asking her about her past relationships. Conversation piece.

Me: "So what do you like in a guy?"
Lynette: "You. Like everybody already said"
Me: "I'm not talking about them."
Lynette: "You're hot. And sexy. And gorgeous. And you're funny. You make me laugh because you're so crazy. And you work two jobs. And you take care of your dad. I like that. I find that most attractive about you in that you take care of your family"
Me: "Well it doesn't give me much of a social life."
Lynette: Well what are you going to do about it? There's lots of things to do here in Jacksonville. We could go walking down by the beach. Yes, I'd like that very much. When are you going to take me?"

Before I could answer, I got a text from Sean to go pick up some guys at Eleventh Street. 

SAVED BY THE BOSS...

New Line of Work

Not really new line of work, but same field, different duties.

I get to drive around rich kids on their parents/ insurance to their AA/NA meetings, grocery shopping, the gym, get their nails done, and whatever else is in their schedule for the day. Same field, different job duties, is best as I can put it.

Rehab work.

Pays about four dollars more than what I was making at the group home. But yeah, I'm basically a cheuffeur like Sam said. Speaking of whom, IDKWTF is up with her. I'm not even gonna ponder or give it much thought. Tried calling her this morning, but she refused to answer my calls so fuck it. No crying over spilled milk for me. Just gonna concentrate on working and memorizing street names, addresses, and where meeting places are held at the beaches.

I never took a lunch today or even dinner. Barb said to take it whenever I can since we don't have breaks. Yeah well...I like spending my breaks at the beach listening to the waves or watching people play volleyball.

Poe - Hello

Yeah...I LOVE this rock version of the original.

San Andreas

Sam and I mended our differences.

We saw "San Andreas" yesterday in Hiram. We thought it was a good movie, way better than "Avengers 2: Age of Ultron". The Avengers movie seemed like a re-run and although I liked seeing new characters like the Vision and Scarlet Witch, the whole plot didn't seem appealing to me.

But San Andreas, yeah that one topped Avengers, which was a disappointment to me. San Andreas is a natural disaster movie...kinda makes me think if California could really be ripped in half like that, barring all science-fiction stuff.

I enjoy being around Samantha. She makes me happy most of the time. I guess best friends get on each other's nerves sometimes, which is completely understandable.

Got the day off. Going to a blueberry farm in South Georgia. Ono gave me directions. Been craving blueberries. And its a deal--$2.50 a pound! AWW YEAH

I wanted to go to the Crime and Punishment museum in Ashburn, but Atlanta traffic ALWAYS SUCKS with delays for no reason and that cut into my time for exploring Georgia.

Pure Sexual Energy

'Pure sexual energy'...those three words are what I describe my best friend..

I've never encountered anyone like her in my long life. I hate talking about sex cuz I have a strong addiction to it--mostly with her, and if I can't have it, then I'd rather not talk about it. My mind goes OFF--literally shuts down my consciousness and puts me in a brain fog.

I never knew this about myself till recently. It was like, I was thinking about her 24/10. She was becoming an addiction, an unhealthy obsession and I had to step back and check myself.

Why am I feeling this way?
Is this what our friendship is based on?
Do I objectify her?
When is the next time I'm gonna get some?
I need a fix!!

Yeah addiction. I've never thought of myself as addicted to anything and I don't have an addictive personality...but obviously, I do.

Scares me to depend on one person for my needs so much. I didn't want to use her. But I didn't know how to go about telling her  either cuz it might affect the great friendship that we have. We're not comfortable in our lives to start anything such as a relationship. At least, I'm not anywhere near comfortable in my life to put anyone through torture with my chaotic life. I know this about myself.

So yeah...I'm being self absorbed for this post. Doesn't happen often, but I know what I want. The thing is...I love her dearly yet I was obsessed with her at the same time, like what she was doing, what was going on in her life and how I could interject myself into her environment...and I was completely avoiding mine. And I began to wonder how I got here. How could I help someone with their life when I couldn't deal with mine. She was being an escape for me. TO ME.

I ww..............fuck. I had a thought and completely lost it.

Tomorrow is college testing, advisor meeting, and after, I'm gonna treat myself to the beach and get some natural healing energy of waves and sunshine...without stepping on dog shit.

Stand

Seriously, I do love and care about you but this is best for us. We need to fix ourselves and rise to stand on our own. 831

SEVEN HOURS

SEVEN HOURS OF SLEEP!!

Maybe my mind's calming down and not stressing out about other's stress? I dunno.

Talked/text to a bunch of people yesterday about my shituation: MMM--my oldest friend who was also my high school sweetheart, Idaho, Fergie, Witchblaze, Drone, Sharina, Ham, Crackberry, Sprout, Herb and Bufferkiller. They all basically said I made the right decision and one even asked why I was there for so long. Even the baby slept as long as I did; my one and a half year old niece gets nightmares and wakes up in the middle of the night. She's never slept through a whole night.

I've found that even though I'm antisocial, I still need people in my life. Sharina, Sprout and Crackberry are coworkers. Not too close to Crackberry or Sprout, but they're party girls who've been around so I just gave them a random scenario and asked their opinions.

Sharina just started talking to me two weeks ago. Wanted me to take her weekend shifts and somehow she knew I was stressed out. I don't like telling random people my problems, but this girl knew I had a different demeanor at work. Soon as she's in the door, she's always on the phone with either her husband or her friends, clocks in, and goes about doing night work while still on the phone!

I've found that whenever I get stressed out, I reach out to people I've known whom I've let into my realm of solitude. I usually keep people at bay.

Today is my day off...gonna explore the beaches!

Small Town Boy

Run away, turn away, run away, turn away...

I remember that song growing up in dinky town Oklahoma. Mostly it played when I was playing games at the arcades. Games like Tempest, Joust, Centipede, Tron and Earthworm Jim. My brother and I would stay at the arcade for hours--drunk with video game fever. In fact, that was what we spent the majority of our after-school money in the 1980s as teenagers.

Sure we were in trouble for other bored teenager stuff like shooting out Stop signs on farmers' properties way out in the country, but that was the extent of our mischief. And the age limit for rifles back then on .22 rifles was 16, where I had a gun rack on my Sonoma pick up truck to display my firearms.

I remember this girl I had a massive crush on, Kathy Osborn, she only stayed a year in school during the oil boom. I met her at the bowling alley where my mother ran a business operating the snack bar, and it too, had a row of video games, where my sister would often reprimand my brother and me for spending all the quarters on making high scores on Galaga and Centipede. As a 17 year old, on my days off from working the snack bar or Hardee's--my brother and I had part time jobs there too, I'd spend my days dreaming of Kathy and how it would feel like to kiss her. My four-eyes coveted her walking the halls, or walking by her locker. My friend, Melisa, bumped me one day at my locker asking "when are you gonna ask Kathy out? Inquiring minds wanna know"

Like who's inquiring minds?
Me, Nancy, Heidi, Tina. You always look at her like your eyes are stuck on her. What's up with that?
Uh...I dunno. She might have a boyfriend.
She doesn't.
How do you know, smartass?
I know for a fact she doesn't.
Really?
Yeah, Heidi and Tina have her in Home Ec and they were talking about the guys in gym and they asked Kathy if she was seeing anyone and she said no.
Hmm...
Its your move, bucko. Everett was asking about her too so you got competition.

After Melisa said that, I made my move that afternoon. Kathy walked home from school so I hopped in my "dragon wagon"--a 1974 Vista Cruiser station wagon with glass packs, and asked her if she needed a ride home. We had 2nd hour history and 3rd hour science classes together. We talked a lot in the ten minutes it took to get to her house--I took the long way cuz I "accidentally" kept missing the streets. I asked her out one Saturday night to the drive-in and she said "Yes. I want to see that new Star Wars movie, "Empire Strikes Back".

It was smooth sailing till I realized I worked at Hardee's THAT Saturday night. Had to wrangle up something. I asked my brother to work for me, but he was already on the schedule for that night. I went down the list of friends who worked there...and finally got Mark Rundell to work for me. He was the last kid I'd ever talk to cuz he and I worked different shifts. He asked, "Whaddaya got, a hot date?" I didn't like telling people my business cuz it would be all over the school.

In dinky town nowhere Oklahoma, word gets around fast. I took Kathy to the Show-West drive-in in the next town over which was 15 miles away. All the way there we talked about Star Wars. Kathy was a natural blond, about 5'6, 115 lbs, and we both wore glasses, hers were silver-rimmed while mine were thick black-rimmed birth control glasses.

We became good friends, but I never seemed to have the balls to kiss her or make a move on her. I think the friendship was worth more to me than anything else. She moved away that summer and I never saw her again.

Small town kids....

Brick in the Wall

I was talking to Matt yesterday about moving up and he said "I'll usually post it to let people know if there's positions opening up in the company". I asked cuz I've been with the company six months with no call ins and I work every shift they ask. If I took the upcoming APC job, it's a dollar more, but be on call, no traveling or limited traveling to Georgia and more responsibility.

I'd take the job if it paid three or four bucks more. But a dollar isn't gonna cut it.

So...I continue to be a drone.

A brick in the wall...

Moneywhore Mode

I have no social life except when I go to Georgia--I make a road trip to Atlanta once or twice a month to reward myself for every little accomplishment I've made.

This company I work for...highly unorganized and somewhat borderline corrupted. There's no consequences for actions of employees that don't follow policies. Other than that, I'm just a brick in the wall. I go in, do my job, go home. I don't socialize with anyone, I don't have any social media contact with them, and I don't have apps of social media with anyone for that matter. I stay low and off the grid as much as possible. I deactivated my Facebook account a year ago. I had eight other accounts to troll with, but that's just boring now and worthless of my time.

Lately, I've just been assigning myself on every open shift. I have a new goal--nursing school. I've been working almost nonstop, with the exception of Georgia road trips...

Yeah... just when I have enough time to make a post, my supervisor calls to ask if I can come in to work cuz of an emergency. More time on the clock, and not even my scheduled time to work.

MONEYWHORE MODE. :)

2015

New Year 2015

And I'm comfortable with myself. I got a good job with unlimited overtime--most of that comes from being short staffed on a daily basis cuz they keep getting hurt from being clobbered by the patients. Not really, they just haven't had enough experience to be working in this field, or they don't know what they're doing when a restraint has to be done.

Myself, I'm avoiding getting hurt at all expense. Not getting hurt for shit.

#2) I have a good woman behind my back. And I love her to bits. She feels the same.

And that's it.

Happy New Year!

My Dark Goddess

I was randomly letting my brain go off on a tangent. A streaming brainstorm of adulation...

And I sent in my paperwork to the Department of Corrections. And waiting to test...not too keen on time limited testing. Ugh

"My Dark Goddess"

It shouldn't be a surprise but I've come to accept you and your self-deprecating rage, shocking me witless with your responsible, uninhibited and unpredictable nature, intangibly distant, yet soothing me with your exquisite emotional release of love and lust. You are seething with potential for getting what you want. You only need to realize this.

Moneywhore Mode

I'm feeling weird...

Even though I'm in moneywhore mode, I'm feeling unsatisfied. Being in this workaholic mode means I have to get my life on track to get what I want which isn't much. I want a place of my own, my car paid off, and a significant other. I thought I found her.

But I can't have her. She says I live so far away--what, six hours?

I still love her as immensely as when I met her almost two years ago.

And I also got another job offer to work in corrections. Not sure about this one, but I hear its great pay getting unlimited overtime and benefits. It'll be something more up my alley but in a prison. More dangerous types. Whatever. Work is work and as long as I'm doing something with my life, I'm happy.

But I just want the girl. She's intoxicating and addicting. Incredibly beautiful and sharp of wit. And it seems I want the girl before any of my other goals. "I need to stabilize my life before I can get the girl", I hear my logical side saying. But another voice tells me, "better hurry up with your other objectives before someone else gets the girl". So this part has me worried.

A battle of wits with myself...


Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving!

TIme...it flies!

I'm no longer the strapping young lad I was once. Back in the eighties, I made a promise to myself that I'd do everything and anything I could possibly do before I reach 30. And I did. Then my bucket list involved traveling overseas by myself, getting a new car, road tripping cross country, finding the woman of my dreams and starting a family. I did everything except start the family mainly cuz I saw how my siblings' marriages came and went and I realized I didn't want to go through all that headache of divorce and child support and raising kids and blah blah blah.

I've condemned myself to eternal bachelorhood. Singleness. Its not bad yet its not good either. Limbo.

And then there's Switchblade, the woman of my dreams. The woman of many firsts. I'm experiencing what it truly means to be in love with someone other than myself, for the first time. And at the same time, not being codependent as I was in relationships past. Actually feels good. At least now, I have a companion, a best friend to share things with. Yeah. I'm happy!

And I'm working in psych again. I know I've dissed it in the past, but compared to the numerous non-medical jobs I've had, I actually do like this field. Glorified babysitter/bouncer.

And on top of it all, I have a job that I enjoy and gives me unlimited overtime. The having no job for the first six months of the year, was severely stressing me to where I became depressed and anxiety manifested its ugly face in which I was holding down low-paying, unsatisfying jobs. This is not me.

Now fast forward to present time...
-- keep stress levels to a minimum
-- remove caffeine and sugar from my diet
-- no excessively salty foods
-- exercise more
-- avoid injuries to myself from job-related incidents
-- go to nursing school

I've turned my life around for the better. Yeah. I'm boring and I love it! So to keep this forward momentum going, I've decided to go to RN school...taking one class per semester to finish pre-reqs.

New Job

Yeah. I got a new job.

I dunno if you call the pay decent, but hey, I'm not complaining. In my first pay period (I don't count the two weeks of training), I had six hours overtime. Next pay period, I'll have over twenty hours of overtime. So yeah, I'm not complaining much.

And the APCs never go by what the schedule says: they add themselves on, but then call out at the last minute. APCs--assistant program coordinators--two women who dress inappropriately. Bothers me cuz one of them is a buxom blond midget (5'1) who's junk is hanging out when she wears skimpy clothes. And according to policy, employees are to wear closed-toed shoes; the APCs wear flip flops. How come they get away with that and we don't?

I'm not questioning but being a drone worker ant in the meantime.

Gotta keep my mouth shut. So I blog. Here. :D

Let me be blunt

I love to complain. I really do. I do it just for the enjoyment of the simple fact that I can irritate Ethan. And I do it especially if he knows its  I want. Granted, I keep my whining to a minimum at work or any other place except when we're out in public together.

My main complaint yesterday was orthopedic shoes. Since I'm on my feet constantly at work, I needed something comfortable for my plantar fasciitis. Every morning I wake up with my feet sore since I do 12 hour shifts at the hospital or sometimes, 16 hour shifts. We were out at the mall and I saw a pair of Sketchers that were perfect for me.

Ethan looked at it and said, "too expensive".

This after he dissed 30 pairs at the other stores in the mall and even before that, we went to Shoe Carnival and none of them were right for me. I have plantar fasciitis and it comes and goes. Ethan knows about this since he's had it in the past. Finally, after lunch at a cheap Vietnamese restaurant, we found a place that specializes in shoes that were:
1) pretty shoes
2) VERY EXPENSIVE
3) Orthotics shoes

I picked a pair out and had the saleswoman fit it for me. She was very thorough. The shoes felt very comfortable but still very expensive. I wanted them. Really wanted them so I went into whine mode. For five minutes. That was enough for him to leave and then agree to them.

I can be devious when I want something.

Feelz Good

My sister pointed that out to me as I was venting about Switch...

My family gets on my nerves bringing up all my faults and shortcomings with my past relationships. I tolerate their crap till they really get on my nerves then I set boundaries and tell them their own little flaws. Like my brother-in-law talking down to me in his usual condescending manner, then I set him straight. I didn't apologize for blocking him either. He just started talking to me again after twI days. But I explained it to him that he was being a dick and I didn't appreciate being talked to like a kid.

I MAY HAVE BEEN codependent in past relationships with women who needed me or with women who are obsessed with me, but I don't think I'm needy with her. I o realize this yesterday at 0200 AM when the melatonin failed to kick in. Nah, I don't think I'm needy at all...if anything, I'm emotionally attached  as she is with me. We talked for an hour before she went to work and yes, we still communicate after all our differences. She says, "You know, I think we are soul mates, and even without the sex, we'd still be talking or hanging out together. Don't stay apart from me too long. Our connection is intoxicating."

We both hate being apart from each other and since we can't do anything about it till we get our shit done, we decided to play a reward game: we get our goals crossed off and we reward ourselves with seeing each other in the other state. Yeah, that totally motivates me to get my issues resolved much faster.

I know I have my trust / commitment issues to work out and she knows this. She has plate full of crap too. I'm fucked up in the head but knowing that I'm not alone is fine by me. I can accept and live with this. For so many years, I thought I was alone. I finally have someone who has similar crap like me.

Yeah. I can live with myself now.

Gravity

I'm falling to Earth...to be grounded again.

I kinda like it. Sure it feels great to be in love, but its better to love yourself as hard as that seems sometimes. And sometimes, the one that you love may not be necessarily good for you. I know she is. She's a good person at heart; she's just bitter at her life and the way it turned out. She had a reality check last night and it made her realize that she's been selfish all this time with her thinking of killing herself. I've told her that a zillion times that suicide is a selfish act and why the fuck would she want her kids motherless? I'm glad she's come to this realization to stop wallowing in self pity. As her best friend, I can only be grateful for the person who woke her up from this negative loop.

She has a lot of issues to face as do I and I can't throw stones. I'm greatly flawed myself. And I can't help others if I can't help myself...so gravitating to earth is grounding me.

Gravity...it feels great to be ALIVE on earth again. Even though I'll miss her, I feel happy that we didn't burn bridges. I'll feel even better when she's happier, healthier, and whole again. That's all I can hope for.

Namaste, Sam.

Live well. 831