brain aches and pains

I'm somewhat stressing.

Switchblade is at a job where she hates yet when I tell her to update her resume and start putting applications, she says she has other things to do. LIKE WHAT?!

IF you hate your job that much, look for another one. Simple as that. Just keep looking for one that you might like doing. She's been at her job fourteen years and says she works with a new management team who are just hateful to their staff. If I were her, I'd be gone already cuz I can't put up with ineptness and I'm too opinionated.

Sometimes I think she has a mental block...I really do. Maybe she's afraid she won't find anything else but then again, I look at her demographics:

• woman
• over 40
• single mother
• GED

That seems like a bleak outlook and I fear for her sanity. I can only encourage and support her, but at the same time, give her ideas on moving on....

I woke up this morning and dreamt I was a world famous pianist. The theater was packed of socialites and the masses waiting for me to play. I walked on the stage with my sulking face, sat down and cracked my knuckles and the first thing that pops in my head, was the tune of Tetris.

Yeah. I play Tetris music.

Disconnection

Ever lost your phone? I lost mine...

Never thought I'd be attached to a damn phone before when in the past, I hated them. I've only been attached to this one cuz it had all my conversations with Switchblade and her pictures and videos. And now I only have the back up which is in my head, my memories of her. We still talk face to face, but somehow its different. The face mail. I don't think we've broken our bond, but we still do talk.

Face to face.

Her lips.

Mine.

Disconnected from technology.

Lost Connections

Ever lose your phone?

I did. Lost it Christmas Eve. Had all my 49 songs on there. And my entire 43 person/company address book. Not like I kept contact with any one person besides Switchblade, but practically ALL my old bolt friends that I've known the last twelve years.

Nah. I don't miss my phone.

Much...

Passing On

I'll never get use to patients passing on...

This bat-shit crazy old woman...grew on me. At first she irritated the flying piss out of me but gradually, I got an understanding with her and her diagnosis.

I feel emotionless at the moment.

Summertime Sadness

I love that song by Lana Del Rey.

Switchblade. I love her to pieces but sometimes I want to wring her neck cuz she plays these manipulative little ploys if she doesn't get her way.  For example, I told her my new schedule has me working everyday this week till my last day off, which cuts into my original plan of leaving Dodge and hitting the road for Atlanta on the 22nd. Then she tells me not to travel during Christmas cuz of all the heavy traffic on the interstate which makes sense. Logically, the more I think about it, her advice seems valid. Then she texts me this morning, "Look, I'm not feeling anything. Catch up with me in a few days if you are still coming".

It took me a couple of hours to get the gist of it and my gay friend, JP, says "I hope you see she's playing a manipulation game there". And I respond, "Of course! And that's the reason I want to wrong her neck off!" Pouty little miss cuz she can't have it her way and it's beyond my control! I can't help it if I got a shitty schedule! I can't even get my crap out of storage if I have to work all week!

So Little Miss Ray of Sunshine will just have to deal without me being there for Christmas. I'll get there when I get there. But I AM GOING TO ARRIVE THERE. And I've noticed, the longer we're apart, the more we argue. I miss her too but if I can't control the shituation, then it's out of my hands.

On The Road Again

Wow. It's been a long time since I was here last, but I've been busy. Busier, really. Getting my life organized and grounding myself. In two weeks, I'll be moving to Georgia and rooting myself. Moving out of my comfort zone. If you have someone who believes in you instead of surrounding yourself with people who bring you down, that one person is all it takes to make taking root possible.

On that same note, don't make a move cross country for pussy or penis; it usually doesn't work out. And once it fails, you're stuck with them till you dig yourself out. I learned this ten years ago...the hard way.

And I have friends in this cross-country move who will help me out should I falter in my goal of ultimately becoming a traveler nurse.

Almost Lovers

Switchblade: I've just been waiting too long, so this is way hard for me. My mouth chomps on the bit, but your fucking ass saved me. I belong to you.

Me: You're married. You belong to your husband. You told me that. You said, "How could I possibly belong to you? How could you possibly belong to me?" I hated that realization. But I can't leave you alone. But when we fuck, we belong to nobody, no strings, nothing. Just us. I only want to be possessed by you and no one else. Christ. I need sleep. Going crazy with no sleep. I hate you.

Switchblade: I don't belong to the man I married. Its a technicality. He doesn't own me. No one does. Just relax and sleep.

...

Me: I just want you so fucking bad!! You and no one else. Sleep. I need sleep.

Switchblade: I am yours Alain. So rest. I'm not going to fuck him. Even if I did not know you, I would not be sleeping with him. I haven't been for years. I have no interest. He killed all of that. Murdered actually, over and over again. I ain't going back to him. I can't emotionally. My brain would never let me. I am unable to due to my personality which means I'm vulnerable when someone knows me.

Switchblade: I'm lonely and I couldn't resist you. Its because somehow I knew you were compatible with me sexually and I crave that connection. I'm usually very reserved. So sleep. I don't even want anyone else. I can't even think about anyone else. Can't you see it in my face? Don't you know?

Switchblade

Switchblade: Alain

Me: Yeah

Switchblade: I love your ass

Me: My ass is white and so are my legs. They haven't seen the light of day in a while

Switchblade: You know what I mean

Me: I don't think you should get a tan cuz you have nice skin. I love your ass a lot too

Switchblade: Ghost girl?

Me: Whatever. Its good to hear your face crack

....

Switchblade: BFF aren't supposed to talk dirty man. I LIKE you

Me: I wasn't talking dirty, fucker. You just have a dirty mind as much as me, so we're even

Switchblade: I know but I try not to, but it doesn't work :/

Me: Then why hide it? Give into the pleaureable side of The Force.

Switchblade: Goddammit dude. Fuck. It just frustates me because you aren't here and its a mighty force.

Me: ANTICIPATION...its making US wait

Switchblade: Oh man. Fucker. I want you.

Natural Disaster Disneyland

Last week, I was driving to the safety of my brother's house from the tornado that touched down a few miles on the outskirts of the city and all of a sudden in the zero visibility of the weather, there was a blinding flash of light which I thought was lightning and a loud CRASH.

A power line was toppled over by something and landed on the roof of my car, smashing some of the windshield and making a huge dent on the frame. I panicked and thought I was going to get electrocuted so I gunned the accellerator and got out from under the telephone pole.

Last I heard the death toll was 18 and the week before was 24 when an F5 tornado tore Moore, OK apart.

Switchblade

I like her a lot. I know this is short and brief but that's about it for my troglodyte brain at the moment.

Raging

This little pissant pispsqueak kid pissed me the fuck off at work. I was pulling the line up into the trailer and out of nowhere he yells at me as his annoyance was directed to the new unloaders. I yelled at him back, but I caught myself not losing control, so instead, I went and threw the truck. Took me an hour. This other kid said, "I'm not entirely sure about what to do now. Makes me uncomfortable that you did it in record time. One hour."

I really didn't care about my surroundings. Fuck it. I was just angry. I don't need to be yelled like that, especially from a young punk dumb ass. I was still angry so I clocked out and left work. Screw it. I have enough overtime that it wouldn't affect my wages.

When I'm angry, I just have to leave the environment. I clocked out and never went back. Bah!

Unconsciousness

Sometimes I feel like just dipping off the earth. Taking a reprieve from life. Being a zombie and feel no pain, but the more I think about it, that's totally NOT me. I like to feel. I like to experience the richness of hurt and the pain of living. Kinda like self flagellation to a point.

I........................don't think I want to take that job in mental health somewhere near the Kansas border.
1-- too far from home base and family
2-- the people I'll be staying with as roommates do a lot of drugs
3-- don't feel like getting involved in a bust
4-- the job is in some janky border town
5-- the pay is decent, better than what I'm working now, but there's HURT involved
6-- by HURT, I mean, I could possibly get hurt or I could hurt someone really bad
7-- I'm still dealing with PTSD from the last job/ which brought out military PTSD

I'll have to hustle a second job then.

Yay.

"I'm free now"

I'm glad they're alive and well and those fucktards who held them captive should be castrated.

That's my opinion, anyway.

Here's the story:
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/escaped-cleveland-woman-amanda-berry-real-hero-kidnapping-141444873.html

Uncertain Waters

I got a job offer to work in a psych hospital in a desolate part of the state and I'm uncertain about it. Once bitten, twice shy. Its a great opportunity but its three hours from where my family lives. And I won't be able to Finley and Drew on a frequent basis. Drew--he just turned two and warmed up to me today. It was awesome!

The job would be perfect for me to get out of the financial slump I'm having to survive on a daily basis, plus its a state employment. The pay is decent and much more than being a retail slave. Decisions, decisions...

For the first time since high school, I'm on the lowest end of the income bracket, not an accomplishment that I'm proud of, but hey. I got a job and that's all that matters. A friend told me I should file for disability from having diagnosed with PTSD, but that would mean me not working (as I'm a money whore) and sitting on my ass getting fat. No thanks. I'd rather work for my money instead of having someone give it to me. Unless its friends or family, I trust no one to give me anything cuz there's always a price or condition.

I don't have reliable Internet so these posts are a hit and run.

Retail Slavery

Yep. That's me, a retail slave. But I'm so done with this crap. I started looking for jobs in the mental health profession again. Although, I could do without the injuries I sustained, I can "negotiate" better now with a screaming crackhead tripping on bath salts or a person attempting suicide with a bedsheet wrapped around their neck.

It takes a lot of people skills to talk a person out of their rage. It takes patience and understanding what they want--mostly, the person wants out cuz they don't know why they're 'locked up in a mental hospital'. Those are the places I've worked in the past; locked units. People's attitudes often change when they're explained why they're there but its not the staff's job to let them go home; its their talk with the doctor.

And some people are belligerent enough to cause trouble for everyone both staff and other patients, where they create rampant destruction and be a general pain in the butt. That's when the nurses call the psychiatrists and treatment team to see what they can do for the patient, who are sometimes really manipulative and try to bend rules for their benefit. Some just need to sleep a few hours...then they come back to their senses.

Everyone is different so each is treated differently. But the characteristics are usually all the same. I remember a patient who didn't want to be in the locked unit where I worked and tried everything to get kicked out like flood the toilet with bedsheets and towels, yet when it came time for him to be discharged, he didn't want to leave. He had to be escorted by security and several male staff off the unit as he was screaming and yelling profanity at the top of his lungs, promising to "sue the hell out of the hospital". He never came back.

The jobs I've worked in the past, I've made a higher income than working retail--where I'm on my feet almost all shift, and this brings my feet great pain. Every time. Heavy manual labor blows, is all I have to say.

Moving Pt. 2

I have till the end of May to vacate. I don't really have a lot of stuff to pack now because my parents surprised me with a visit the last time I posted. They were on the way to Santa Monica, California. I asked why they were going there and Dad said he had to pick up a new horse. Really? From FL to CA cross country road trip for a horse.

And they said they haven't seen me since last summer so it was an excuse to drive across the country and see some scenery. And Mom asked when I was going to come home and I said, "When I'm done with school." I'm so burnt out, yet I must trudge on.

Microbiology and Pharmacology on the way. I thought about Chemistry also but I'm putting that off at the last possible moment. Not my strong point. I'm over at Rafi's, babysitting and doing homework. Her kid is distracting me which is why this post is tangential. :p

Anyway, I've had to input four W2's for my tax return. Doing that also. Four different jobs in the last year. Four jobs that's lasted more than a month.

Moving

I hate moving. Moving again.

But I'm glad I saved up enough, actually more than enough money to cover all expenses. I'll update this more when I'm settled. Other than that, seems like I have to time to catch up. Sorry for the inconvenience.

All That Jazz

I think there was a movie of that title like back in the 80s.

I don't know about the news anymore. There's too much crap being broadcasted. I think the country is going downhill. That's my point-of-view anyway.

I wanted to see this movie, "Zero Dark Thirty" with Annie but she stood me up. I'm not too worried about it. I didn't have high expectations of our "date" when she called me.

Other than that, I'm moving. And moving sucks. My house-sitting stint will be over in a few months so its best that I start looking for a place. I know I can afford it having worked a steady job plus two or three to supplement my savings. I might even have some money left over...to spend for next semester's tuition and books.

Isn't it great how one thing leads to another headache?

Ugh.

Ew. EXs

For me, exs are what exactly they are; EXt out of my life because something between us--me and them, didn't work out. I was reading an old email that was sent to me from an ex boyfriend back in 2011 and I couldn't read the entire thing because I couldn't get passed all the name calling and crap mentioned in it.

It will probably take me another year or so, maybe even five, to actually read the entire email. With the exception of Annie, I don't think I could ever date an ex again. Annie, however, wears heavily on my heart and mind. I often think of her and how she's doing nowadays.

Isolation is the oxygen mask your children breathe in to survive

Internet has been sucking balls lately so I haven't been posting as much as Shannon. Two jobs: one at a paper mill and the other at Wally World. Yeah I don't have much time for blogging most days cuz I'm either sleeping or working. And that drains me quite a bit.

And all this time, I've been trying to gain weight. I'm a shadow of my former self. I used to weigh in at 182 lbs. and now I'm down to 168! I've never weighed this less! And working two jobs is taxing on my body. Granted, I can now fit into my clothes from three years ago and those were the tight ones, but I've also had to buy smaller pants sizes as well as shirts.

And I dumped my girlfriend. It was mutual maybe, but more so that I initiated the dumping. She got on my nerves with her neediness and always wanting to know where I am when she clearly knew where I was. And what pissed me off MOST about her, is that I kept asking her to get a fucking job cuz "we're in a strained relationship, spending money I don't have, and you're on your ass at home wanting to go places. I can't wine and dine you all the damn time". She tried once or twice, but fucked it up saying she's on disability with mental illness, some butt ass reason, which equals another LIE to me. I can understand the mental illness part, but using it as a crutch not to get a job? Hell, I have hostile oppositional antisocial tendancies, but at least I get a job so I won't dwell on self loathing. She may have been valedictorian in her high school, but she's accustomed to being lazy and knows how to manipulate people to enable her into being a couch potato...which she clearly is.

I think I'm destined to be a loner lone wolf. Meh, I don't care. I don't have time for relationships anyway. Working too much.

That's my take on life as of late.

~toasterface

Friday the 15th

FYI: I hate Valentine's Day.

I don't see why there should be a holiday set aside to be romantic when you can do that every day of the year. That's my opinion anyway. Other than that, I spent the day yesterday by MYSELF. YES, ALONE. No rebound sex, no calling up old friends with benefits, no hooking up at the bars or clubs or Student Union. Alone. And I loved it because I didn't have to answer to anyone. Its kind of exhausting now to be hooking up.

I have too much going on with school. I need to stay focused. I was walking to the campus library to check out some books for my research paper on The Reconstruction post Civil War, and I saw Annie. That was earlier today. We just chit-chatted and went about our separate ways. I've missed her. Missed her body and.... I'll stop.

I was flushed seeing her and even more so, by talking and engaging in conversation with her. And her perfume, I almost crumbled as my knees and legs were weak like shaking wet noodles, no structure to them. I excused myself to lean on one of the pillars to hide my insecurity at the sight of her. I was nervous and sweat began to form on the notebooks I was holding.

For a fleeting instant, I pictured my nervousness as that of Pedro in "Napoleon Dynamite" when he was talking to the entire student body. I don't know why that popped up in my head. I could also feel sweat beading around the underwire of my bra, which was how flushed I was. The library was cooled from the constant temp of the thermostat, but I was sweating with nervousness. I didn't ask Annie if she was seeing anyone, but just kept it to a "Hi, how's are things" type conversation. She looked flustered as if she was having a bad day and a little moisture
around her eyes like if she had been crying. It seemed that way to me. She excused herself with "Fine. I gotta go". I said, "Nice seeing you. Bye."

As soon as Annie left, I had to sit down to calm myself. Running into exes at the most inopportune moments makes me nervous as if they've broken down all my defenses.

I'm being lazy tonight--I microwaved a party pizza instead of putting it in the oven. And now the long process of taking notes and excerpts to use in my paper. I put in an application for Wal-Mart since the group home announced that they will be cutting back on people's hours since there's not enough clients/residents to take care of.

Always have a Plan B. Always.

Bills! Bills! Bills!

I shouldn't be in debt, but I'm getting myself out of my financial hole that I dug myself in.

My Pell Grant didn't come in last semester so I had to pay my tuition (of which I'm still paying as of this entry), and this semester's bill as well. I'm still at the place in the middle-of-nowhere desert, which is great as if I was at my own place in town, I'd be so broke!

Let's see...tuition from last semester and the current one; payment on the Jeep for getting the transmission worked on; gas money for aforementioned GAS HOG; and other than making payments on books for this semester, I'm basically running on empty in the financial department. Plus, I have to ask a cash advance every couple of weeks on getting food to eat...groceries.

Most of the time I just bring home food from the restaurant and I had to cut my hours working at the group home. Being a starving student sucks major, but my grades are up and steady and that's all I care about for now. Got an email from Cynthia saying that they're planning to sell the house at the end of August and asked that I get boxes to pack their stuff and put them in storage. THE ENTIRE HOUSE.

A dilemma in the oncoming months.

When it rains, it pours!

Lethargic

Currently unmotivated aInt the moment.

My butt's dragging. Last Sunday, I disagreed with the head waitstaff and I stayed mad. She pissed me off! I tried to stay calm even during the evening rush but the more I thought about the problem, my attitude towards the problem got worse.

Then when Tasha asked me if I was OK because I had this way about me that she could feel even when I was across the room as she was waiting on her customers, I didn't answer her. She asked again, and I finally said, "Nothing. I'm not well at all".

I took one last sip of my drink and walked to the manager's office and told Marcus that my house alarm is going off and I needed to go to check it out. It wasn't actually, but I decided to remove myself from the situation that was bothering me and thus, preventing further chaos for myself and others.

I normally don't let stuff get to me and shake it off, but the head waitstaff--I won't name her because she'll just conjure up bad vibes and make me mad all over again, was rude and offensive. I wanted to punch her in the face...but I didn't. I calmly told management that I needed to check my house and clocked out.

I didn't even go in to work Monday. Actually, I had forgotten that I was on the schedule for Monday. Too stressed. Instead, I spent the day with Chelle and Lisa in Phoenix, doing this indoor rock-climbing thing. I definitely need to lose about ten pounds! I spent the night at Chelle's and when I woke up the next morning, she had made some waffles, bacon and eggs and was brewing up coffee. She greeted me warmly.

"And how're you doing this fine Tuesday morning?"
"Tuesday? Its Wednesday."
"Nope, Tuesday. Yesterday was Monday and Tuesday comes after Monday."
"I know that smart ass. I thought it was Wednesday!"
"You need to go back to sleep. But here, I made some coffee. It'll make you come to your senses."
"Oh my God. I totally missed work yesterday! Shit! Shit! Shit!"
"Wow, Shan. Maybe you can call them and explain everything and that you didn't know."
"My first no call, no show. Crap. I'll have to talk to Marcus or Chad."
"Just call them or go there later. You're a hard worker. I'm sure they'll understand."

I didn't tell her but we both know that in any job, a no call-no show is grounds for termination. I've never done this before. I actually forgot I had to work! Eeeep!

Creepy Cats

Lately, there's two cats thterat I've seen around the yard that have been hanging around. I don't like cats. I think they're nasty. Sure they may be cute when they're young, but doesn't everything look cute when they're young?

I used to house-sit for this lady back in Pensacola and I had to clean out the litter box every three or four days. And then I got to thinking, why do cats need to poop in the house in a litter box? Can't they do it outside like four-legged animals? Even the most pampered dogs use it outdoors.

One morning while I was cleaning out the litter box, I went to the kitchen to throw the poop in the trashcan. Then I heard this unfamiliar noise. I had just fed the cats and I knew they had eaten. When I went around the corner by the tv, one of the cats was gagging. I panicked! But then I stayed calm. And the cat started vomiting the stuff it already ate. I called my client and she said, "Oh its normal. He's just finicky. Just get tuna next time". I waited an hour or two to clean it up because the sight of it made me sick. er

I thought I could handle a lot of things, but not cats vomiting or coughing up hairballs. I don't mind them but at the end of the day, I'd better not be around them. I'm not going to be cruel to them or anything, but they're staying outside. I had a friend who cat tore up her furniture while we were in the house. And it was a nice sofa too. All she did was squirt it with a water gun. Seriously? I guess. Its her furniture.

I'm not feeding those cats either. As far as I'm concerned, they can eat the squirrels or whatever they can catch. Outside.

the 2nd amendment

Repealing that, would throw the nation in chaos. That's what I think. Another civil war with the government, but I suck at politics so I'm not going to go there. And history repeating itself when the Native Americans surrendered their arms to the Union government and look what happened. They all were placed on reservations or had to relocate across miles and miles of inhospitable land.

That's my brief history lesson for the day.

School is going well as it usually does for me in the beginning of the semester. Mom says I need to get a life already and that I should stop floundering about and just graduate. Its not that easy, Mother.

I'm going back to bed. And shutting my phone off. All this money-whoring is wearing me thin and making me lose patience. I've worked twelve days straight at the restaurant and yes, the money is great, but I'm worn out. Beat. Dead. Tired.

Bedtime! It calls me!

zombie apocalypse and bread dough

Chelle's upstairs steam cleaning the carpet and I was in the kitchen making cinnamon rolls and bread. I set the timer while I'm typing this down.

So Chelle asked to come over to talk and visit and I said she was welcome anytime. I like her company. I asked her to rent a steam cleaner before she came up and I'd pay her back later. She said it wasn't a problem and that its on her since I'd done her so many favors in the past.

She goes to tell me about the guy she's seeing and that he's a real gamer/geek. And he hardly pays her attention. I asked, "then why are you with him?"

"Because I think I'm falling for him?"
"That doesn't make any sense. You like this guy because he ignores you? That's stupid."
"Yeah I know. But he's gorgeous!"
"So is a Ferrari but you don't see me driving around in it."
"What's your point, Shannon?"
"Maybe you could compromise and you guys do something together. Have you slept with him yet?"
"No. We've been seeing each other for maybe, a week."
"Maybe that's your problem. He's ignoring you because you're not putting out. Guys do that."
"Hmm. I've never thought of it that way. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned and my parents raised me well."
"From all the stuff you've told me before and now, I think you're not ready for a relationship. Be single for a while till you decided what you want. That's what I think."
"You think so?"
"Yeah. And next time he calls, don't answer him. Tell him you're busy at my place. Don't make yourself too available. Make him want you. Hell, make him want you hard!"

We both laughed and we laughed harder how he went on about the 'zombie apocalypse'.

Inappropriate Thoughts

At any given time, I have random thoughts going on in my head.

Like right now, I have a lot going on but I can't quite pin point one of them.

2013

Wow! I haven't blogged since last year!

I passed my classes all of them and I pre-enrolled for the spring semester, but I'm only going to take nine hours. I still work at the small restaurant and the group home is downsizing, so I'm going to have to look for another job. I really like working at the restaurant--friendly staff for the most part, no drama.

I'm really tired. Got home an hour ago. I think I'll take a nice hot soak in the tub! :)