Pure Sexual Energy

'Pure sexual energy'...those three words are what I describe my best friend..

I've never encountered anyone like her in my long life. I hate talking about sex cuz I have a strong addiction to it--mostly with her, and if I can't have it, then I'd rather not talk about it. My mind goes OFF--literally shuts down my consciousness and puts me in a brain fog.

I never knew this about myself till recently. It was like, I was thinking about her 24/10. She was becoming an addiction, an unhealthy obsession and I had to step back and check myself.

Why am I feeling this way?
Is this what our friendship is based on?
Do I objectify her?
When is the next time I'm gonna get some?
I need a fix!!

Yeah addiction. I've never thought of myself as addicted to anything and I don't have an addictive personality...but obviously, I do.

Scares me to depend on one person for my needs so much. I didn't want to use her. But I didn't know how to go about telling her  either cuz it might affect the great friendship that we have. We're not comfortable in our lives to start anything such as a relationship. At least, I'm not anywhere near comfortable in my life to put anyone through torture with my chaotic life. I know this about myself.

So yeah...I'm being self absorbed for this post. Doesn't happen often, but I know what I want. The thing is...I love her dearly yet I was obsessed with her at the same time, like what she was doing, what was going on in her life and how I could interject myself into her environment...and I was completely avoiding mine. And I began to wonder how I got here. How could I help someone with their life when I couldn't deal with mine. She was being an escape for me. TO ME.

I ww..............fuck. I had a thought and completely lost it.

Tomorrow is college testing, advisor meeting, and after, I'm gonna treat myself to the beach and get some natural healing energy of waves and sunshine...without stepping on dog shit.

Stand

Seriously, I do love and care about you but this is best for us. We need to fix ourselves and rise to stand on our own. 831

SEVEN HOURS

SEVEN HOURS OF SLEEP!!

Maybe my mind's calming down and not stressing out about other's stress? I dunno.

Talked/text to a bunch of people yesterday about my shituation: MMM--my oldest friend who was also my high school sweetheart, Idaho, Fergie, Witchblaze, Drone, Sharina, Ham, Crackberry, Sprout, Herb and Bufferkiller. They all basically said I made the right decision and one even asked why I was there for so long. Even the baby slept as long as I did; my one and a half year old niece gets nightmares and wakes up in the middle of the night. She's never slept through a whole night.

I've found that even though I'm antisocial, I still need people in my life. Sharina, Sprout and Crackberry are coworkers. Not too close to Crackberry or Sprout, but they're party girls who've been around so I just gave them a random scenario and asked their opinions.

Sharina just started talking to me two weeks ago. Wanted me to take her weekend shifts and somehow she knew I was stressed out. I don't like telling random people my problems, but this girl knew I had a different demeanor at work. Soon as she's in the door, she's always on the phone with either her husband or her friends, clocks in, and goes about doing night work while still on the phone!

I've found that whenever I get stressed out, I reach out to people I've known whom I've let into my realm of solitude. I usually keep people at bay.

Today is my day off...gonna explore the beaches!

Memorial Day 2015

I'll miss Samantha...

Worked a ten hour shift today...feet tired. Sore. But more my heart aches cuz my brain reasons.

Can't hang on to the past even though it had great memories.

Keep moving forward.

Lovers To Friends

I think I'll be single for a while.

Not really interested in dating or relationships anymore. Gonna be too busy once school starts.

So yeah...

And work offers unlimited overtime and is generous with days off. So I might explore the beaches...maybe look for a place to live ON THE BEACH. That'd be nice!

I still do miss her though. Having withdrawals from Georgia Peach. Ugh

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The dot com to this ended last Thursday. Google kept billing me on a non-existent card leftover from Voldemort days--I call my ex Voldemort cuz I hate saying her name for any reason.