Letting Her Go

Thank you for giving me the closure that I needed.

Be safe and have a good life.

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Yeah. I can finally let you go and move on.
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Read somewhere that "intense interpersonal relationships are short and don't last long." Was that what we had? I'm reflecting now. The longest one lasting for me consecutively was Sam at a year and two months.

Flesh Wounds

"There is an ocean between us. WHY??????"

The ocean you created? I just wanted to vent to you but you took it the wrong way and got offended. Went off the deep end and told me I wasn't good enough for you. And then when I called you out on your head game of manipulating me to move down there for you--even though I made my mind to be there AFTER Christmas cuz of snow and ice and wanting to be with my family, you said that you're going to spend the holidays alone. Purely selfish act. Give up my family and life for you.

And when you told me I wasn't good enough for you, and I tell you why that bothered and irritated me, you go on this evangelical tirade that I should "succeed and fly like an eagle cuz that would mean I had a good and positive influence on you."

What. The. Fuck. Was. That. About...

Was it the ocean that you've just created?

I've fallen deep and hard for you and then when you tell me you're online dating to meet other men, I'm even more disgusted and hurt. You weren't really focusing on school because you were wanting to replace me. I really don't know what the hell is going on in your mind now. Called me blind-sided and confused.

Then when I saw your email today saying, "I miss you horribly." There's no justification in what you've said previously. What is going on with you? I understand your loneliness but you've blew me completely out in left field.

Moving on is hard. And difficult. And you know how to illicit a response from me so its hard for me to ignore you. I'll get better. I won't check my phone or email so much. Fresh wounds and I'm tired of getting them reopened by you.

I promise I won't get so blinded and blind-sided by your love any more. Rough seas ahead...

I miss you so bad

Her words were erratic yesterday, so were her moods. She said she was having bad mood swings and she needed to be on an antidepressant or something. Then I callHed her on the phone and she laid it out to me: "You're so perfect for me in every way, but you can't support or take care of me. I'm becoming selfish and I don't want to be and I miss you so fucking bad. Before, I thought it was all for the kids, but now its all about me and what I want".

Um wow.

I sent a few more texts then I stopped. Her service with T-Mobile sucks. They're not living up to their name. I told her that we're friends first and foremost. She said that she's going to use her in-laws to go to school and make some money for herself. She says she might lose me in the process.

Hmm. Whatever it takes to have a better life for yourself.

I don't know what to say except I'm done.

Clueless in Florida

What is it now...do you want to label us?

I never cared to label us, but as companions. That's the closest term I can relate to.

I don't know what to call friends who are intimate with each other yet live in different states, but both wanting the same goals which includes being with each other. She and I both have obligations we need to take care of before we can move ahead. Me; Plan A. Her; Plan C or whatever she has planned. My mission is set. Not gonna veer from the course.

Yep. Even at my ripe old age, I'm still clueless about relationships...

Georgia On My Mind

Spent the last three days in Georgia cuz I felt I needed closure. I told her I needed to pick up the stuff I left cuz they had sentimental  alive; an old DeWalt radio and a camp stove, but she knew the real reason. She saw right through my fascade. She's not stupid--far from it. I admitted guilt. I HAD to see her again.

Kinda funny though...we felt the same towards each other, yet she told me that "We're at a place in our lives that we can't be together. We have too much shit to do. You have to work on your fears and I have to restructure my dismal future. When we're together, we act like an old married couple. We're complacent and we never get anything done".

True.

When we weren't eating or doing errands, we were naked or partially clothed OR just naked in bed. Yep. Pretty much sums it up. Even though her dreams were shattered to the core--every single one of them, she's a wild spirit to the core. We are a perfect match for each other--I can honestly say that without a doubt; just hard to contain us in words, label us in any category. I seem to be the calm one of the two. Weird how I can admit to that.

I feel much better now...